Creating Experiences That Help Relationships Thrive
Picture your heart as a whole apple pie. For every emotional entanglement (real or perceived), you are giving away a slice of that pie. If you do that consistently, what will be left for your dream man?
Image | Betty Crocker
Proverbs says: Guard your heart with all diligence, because out of it flow the issues of life. Continue reading
Me too.
A few months ago, Morris and I were waiting in line to buy movie tickets and there were 4 people ahead of us. Initially, this was not a problem. But, ten minutes later the line had not moved at all. It was a perfect storm: one cashier, a group of six, seeing several movies, and they had credit card trouble. So, I panicked and began giving the cashier dirty looks that screamed “Seriously?”
And, waiting for Mr. Right to find you takes the patience of Job. You may wonder things like “God, are you really working on this?” Or “Did you know that I am not getting in younger?”
Image: E90post.com
At least, those are the questions I had.
The problem with falling in love, is that you can fall out of it.
But, true love is a decision to stay committed even when things get tough.
We’re talking about this topic today, because two of my friends recently stopped dating nice guys because there was no chemistry. And, it made me a little sad. Because, I don’t want my friends to miss out on true love because of a misconception.
Chemistry Ain’t All That
The misconception is that chemistry/falling in love is the end all be all. It is not. And, I think pop culture has warped our sense of what it takes to make a relationship work.
It also got me to thinking “Did me and Morris have chemistry when we first met?” He says we didn’t. I agree.
We didn’t have chemistry in the sense that our eyes locked, music started to play, and we began that slow walk toward each other across the room like you see in the movies.
Nope, the beginning of our relationship was a series of miscommunication, misread signals, and near misses. But, that’s a tale for another day.
Love is NOT….
Erich Fromm, a German psychologist, explains in his book The Art of Loving that love is an activity, not a passive effect. It is a “standing in” and not a “falling for.”
Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the 5 Love Languages, explains that the feeling of “falling in love” has three problems:
1. Falling in love is not an act of will…it just happens to you.
2. Falling in love is effortless. We do outlandish things with no effort at all.
3. The “in love” experience does not encourage us to help the other person grow. We view them as perfect.
And, that just ain’t realistic. Because not a one of us is perfect. And it is generally when we realize “Hmmm, this person has some flaws.” That we start to fall out of love.
But, true love empowers us to love each other despite our imperfections.
Love IS….
The Bible explains that love is:
And, if we base our capacity to be in a loving relationship based on chemistry, we are doomed for failure. Just like the ups and downs of Love and Basketball.
So, do you agree or disagree? Is there a problem with falling in love?
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| Image | David Wygant |
I had a problem when I was single. I didn’t know how to talk to guys. I know what you are thinking. “Simone, you are the farthest thing from shy?! What was your problem?”When it came to guys that I thought I might like…I had a bad habit of ignoring them. I got all nervous, and couldn’t think straight, and couldn’t make coherent sentences.
In other words, I lost all sense of normalcy. So, I resorted to ignoring them in an effort to keep from saying something completely stupid.Here is a typical conversation that I might have had with a guy that I have no interest in what so ever.
Conversation A
Simone: Good Morning, Titus! How are you?
Guy A: Good, Simone, how are you?
Simone: Well, thank you. Did you have a good weekend?
Guy A: I did, but I didn’t do much watched the game, hung out with some friends, and went running. That’s about it.
Simone: Sounds like you had a good weekend! I went running too, but the heat made it pretty tough. I’m going to try and run earlier next weekend. Are you training for anything?
Guy A: Yes, the Marine Corp Marathon. I’ve run it a couple of years in a row.
Simone: Whoa! That’s awesome. I dream about doing a marathon one day, but I’m not there yet. Congratulations on setting that tremendous physical goal, Titus. It was good to talk to you. Have a good day!
Guy A: You too, Simone. See you later.
Now, for the conversation with the guy that I thought I might like…but I had no idea because I’ve never had a decent conversation with him.
Conversation B
Guy B: Hi Simone! How are you?
Simone: Well, thank you.
Guy B: Did you have a good weekend?
Simone: Yes, thank you.
Guy B: Oh, what did you do?
Simone: Nothing much, just hung around.
Guy B: Well, that sounds nice. Have a good day, Simone
Simone: Thanks.
Why on Earth did I do this?
Things worked out in the end, and I wound up with my dream man. But, it turns out I’m not the only one with this problem.
If you too get a case of the heebie jeebies when it comes to talking to guys… try these 3 tips:
| Image | recovery.org |
A few years ago my dear friend and colleague, Marie, came to my office. I could tell by the way her eye brows were furrowed that she meant business. She edits my work too. So, my first thought was “Lord, what have I done now?”
She sat down and began with the usual pleasantries. “How are you? What are your plans for the weekend, etc. etc.” I explained (nonchalantly) that I was going to run, hang out with some friends, see a musical…the usual.
And then the boot dropped. Marie was here to stage an intervention for my dating life.
“Simone, do you even want to meet a guy? I mean, have you even asked God where you can meet guys? I mean to date…not to evangelize. Seriously, he’s not going to show up on your door step wearing a t-shirt that says ‘I’m the one.’ Simone, I don’t think you are taking this stuff seriously because if you were…you would be trying to make yourself available. Its going to take two years you know. One to date and a year to be engaged. Have you thought about that? I doubt it. Because clearly, you’d be frustrated if you had!”
People, I cannot make this stuff up.
So, after an hour of “counseling.” We agreed that I would make better decisions on how I spent my time. The goal was to make myself more available to meeting guys.
As a good faith effort, I decided to go to a fireworks display that Saturday night, rather than a musical. Let’s face it there wouldn’t be any eligible bachelor’s at Mama Mia .
However, I didn’t tell Marie that I spent Friday night…in my apartment…reading a book until 4:30 a.m. That would have landed me another tongue lashing.
Thank God for Marie, though. Being available is a big part of the dating game. And, she knew what she was talking about too, because less than two years later…I was hitched.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic of being the right person, because often our main objective is focused on the finding Mr. Right. But, being the right person is the essence of what can make our relationships sink or swim. And, I want your relationships to swim. So, I’m sharing this video today.
“Success in marriage is much more than a matter of finding the right person; it is also a matter of being the right person.” That’s what Leland Foster Wood said in his book,Growing Together in Family.
My friend, Katharine, sent me a talk given by Andy Stanley. He breaks down the right person myth in a funny way, and captures the essence of being the right person beautifully.
It’s 29-minutes. I know, what you are thinking: “Simone, I don’t have that kinda time! I. am. busy.” I get it. I get it, but this is sound advice and I think it is worth your time. Will you watch it? I promise you won’t be disappointed.
E-mail : simone@myfamilyfantastic.com
Twitter : @msimoneboyd
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