Last week, my sister, Michaela, and I were driving to the store together, and there was a 15-minute period of dead silence that really bothered me.
Perhaps it shouldn’t have, but it did.
I mean, Michaela, is a junior in college and I thought she would want to tell me about all her boy problems, and professor problems, and life in general. But, she really didn’t tell me anything. And, no matter how many questions I asked…they were all met with one word answers. She wasn’t being mean. We just didn’t have anything to talk about. But, shouldn’t sisters always have something to talk about?
Or maybe I was to blame because I hadn’t really been talking to her either. Except for the “do this, do that, and don’t forget this.”
It also bothered me that my brother, Issachar, has 450 followers on Instagram. It bothers me, because he is 15 and gentle and kind. And, I want him to stay that way forever.
And, it worries me that some sleazy person on the Internet could change the course of his life. I’ve seen Dateline To Catch a Predator and I know what’s out there! Even though, he lives at home, he has the world at his fingertips in the form of a Samsung Tablet. And, that scares me.
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| Me and Issachar |
I worry that Issachar will end up like Miley Cyrus. You know, one day she was a sweet, innocent kid from Tennessee, and the next day she was broadcasting her fanny across the globe.
Although, I worry about Michaela and Issachar…the only thing I really have control over is my relationship with them. As a sister, I just want everything to be right with my siblings. But, I’m beginning to realize that I can not protect them from the world. I can only give suggestions, share my experience, and hope that they avoid life’s hardships.
I’ve spent the last few days soul searching on how to be a better sister to my siblings. And, I asked my siblings to send me one thing I do well as a sister and one thing that bothers them. It came up that I am judgmental/critical/not supportive.
My first thought was ” I am NOT judgemental. I just want people to do what’s right.”
Oh, wait.
Perhaps, I AM judgemental. (insert sigh) I’ll work on that.
After a lot of reflection, here are five steps that I think will help us be better sisters.
- ASKAsk your siblings how you can improve on being a sister.
In business, there is something called a peer review or 360 degree feedback. It gives employees a chance to seek feedback from their peers. It’s a good way, to eliminate blind spots, improve relationships, and establish trust. I think the same can be done for families. Who knows you better than your siblings?!
- LISTEN Listen, process, and hear what your sibling has to say.
Resist the temptation to defend yourself. There is simply nothing worse than someone asking you for feedback and then beating you down once you are honest. Be prepared to hear things that may be hurtful, but will improve your relationship in the long run.
- HONOR Honor you siblings gifts, talents, and abilities.
You aren’t the only one with good sense. You were both created in God’s image and you should recognize that. I heard Pastor Kevin Gerald talk about Honor a few years ago, and it changed my life. He says that honor elevates everything, and we can’t go to the next level in our business, relationships, or families until we learn to honor. Pastor Gerald says that we must honor first, with no strings attached, in agreement and disagreement, and freely. From then on, I’ve made a concerted effort to honor people.
The world will be a better place if we honor each other. Let’s start with our families.
- CHANGE Do everything in your power to change immediately.
If you are told that you are late. Be early. If you are told that you talk too much. Be quiet. If you are told judgemental, keep your opinion to yourself.
The strength of your relationship depends on your willingness to change.
- FOLLOW UP Thank your sibling, and ask them if its okay to follow up.
Call it a quarterly review, if you will. Promise to check in on your status. Mark it on your calendar, just like a doctor’s appointment and do it. Be sincere in your efforts to change. Siblings can tell if you don’t mean it.
I hope these tips help you along the road to a better relationship with your siblings. Love, Simone
Ah, great post Simone! The humility required in creating real relationship… a life's work but so worth it.
What you said is so key, Melba. "A life's work"…i think in my mind I want to check it off my "to do" list right now…and move onto something else. And, it won't be that way. But, it is worth it!
By the way, it was super encouraging to have a comment this morning. Thank you SO much.
I know it's a different time for your younger siblings than what we were exposed to in the world, but you must also trust that the loving and wonderful foundation that your parents provided for you is the same that is being provided for them. They are a different generation, but if your siblings have half as much compassion in them as you have then they will be more than alright. Accept that you're judgmental. I accepted it a long time ago. It takes time to learn to hold your tongue, listen, and keep an open heart. In the same breath, it will take time for people to get over your 'judginess." A life's work it is indeed.
Awhhh, Mahhn! This warmed my heart.
I agree with you, Kim. It is a different time. And, I believe that my parents are still providing a good foundation. I just worry that because my parents are in their 60's and Issachar is 15…they let some things slide. That's where trust kicks in…like you said.
"Accept that you are judgemental." Yikes!!! That's a hard pill to swallow. I was talking to another friend, Drea, about this, and she said that she once struggled with this too. But, a verse in the Bible was illuminated for her in Matthew 7:2. It reads" For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged. And with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
And, that scared me!
I don't want to be judged like I judge others. I have A LOT of flaws, and I need mercy. I'm trying to remind myself of this daily. But, I am LEARNING to hold my tongue…like you said.