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When Morris and I first began dating, our relationship almost came to a screeching halt. Because, I had a checklist and he was “missing” an item.
My list included that he must 1) love Jesus 2) be tall and 3) volunteer.
It was important that my potential husband volunteer. Because, I had to be certain that he cared for others.
So, I tested Morris one day.
We were at Screen on the Green with some friends on the National Mall, and I asked him if he would like to go volunteer with me at a homeless shelter.
He said “No, homeless shelters aren’t really my thing”
“WHAT?!” I says to myself. “Not, your thing?! Clearly, I can’t marry someone that doesn’t want to volunteer at a homeless shelter. He obviously has no heart and would not be a suitable match.” In my mind, my checklist kept me from wasting time on unsuitable matches.
I Was Wrong.
Fast forward 4 years…Morris, now my husband, volunteers with the homeless ministry at our church. And, spends at least some time every weekend volunteering. He later told me that he finds homeless shelters depressing, but otherwise he is very much for volunteering. Clearly, my initial snap judgement was wrong. What if I had ruled him out because of that one response? I would likely be lonely.
Dating Outside the Box
The box is the list or mental checklist that we keep in our heads. It says what our perfect potential mate should look like. Maybe your dream man is tall, looks like +Idris Elba , and has the personality and bank account of +Steve Harvey . In reality, the checklist is a suit of armor.
Why We Create the Box
Laura Doyle in her book , The Surrendered Single, says that the checklist is about fear. She says that by holding on to qualities we want in a man, we are setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations. As long as the checklist is never met, we don’t have to risk our hearts and we don’t have to be vulnerable.
I also think we set up checklists to impress people in our social circles. In our minds, we’ve set up what our families, friends, and colleagues will find acceptable and we arbitrarily rule out men that fall outside those parameters.
The Problems with the Box:
- You rule out a lot of good men.
- The man that is right for you, might be different than you imagined.
- It leaves little room for input from the Lord.
Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have standards. You should. But, your standards should be reflective of his character, not his resume.
God Knows What We Need, We Don’t.
I am an extrovert, impatient, get fussy when things don’t go my way, and am woefully lacking in the mercy department. So, God gave me a husband that is long suffering, patient, and gives EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt. If you are anything like me, you probably have not identified all of your character defects. But, God knows what you need in a man…even if you don’t.
You Might Miss Out on a Good Thing.
In short, good men come in all shapes and sizes and God knows what you need. Don’t limit yourself to dating inside the box, because you could miss out on a good thing just like I almost did.
Question: Do you have a dating checklist or box? If so, what will you do to let it go?
This week, I’ve been reading How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
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