Category: Family (Page 4 of 7)

The Power of Letting Go

March 17, 2014 / Simone / 0 Comments

I love the song, Let it Go. I love the message. And, I love the reminder it gives me: there is power in letting go. This song is from the movie, Frozen. A movie about two sisters with a strained relationship. One sister hurts the other, and drama ensues.

We all have been wounded. We all have been hurt. And, generally those hurts are inflicted by those closest to us. But, continuing to hold onto hurt and offense is crippling.

The Burden of Offense
Pastor Wesley talked about learning to live above offense a few weeks ago at church. He said that:

Satan seeks to burdens us with offenses.
We must reject retaliation and refuse to get even.
We must be open to reconciliation.

The message stuck with me, because offense is the enemy of strong relationships, marriages, and families.

Offense Hurts You and Your Relationship with God
John Bevere in his book, The Bait of Satan, talks about offense. He says that offense imprisons us, severs relationships, and hinders our relationship with God. Because an offended Christian is one that takes in life, but because of fear cannot release life. ( Please read his book. If you apply the principles, it will change your walk with the Lord and your relationships).

Image| glorialockhart.com

Forgiveness is the key to letting go.

Make a Decision

We must make a decision to forgive. There is a common misperception that we must feel “ready” to forgive. It’s wrong. Forgiveness starts with a decision. We make the decision and act on it.

Do you remember the parable of the talents?

In Matthew, a servant owed his master approximately $4.5 billion dollars. However, the master was kind and generous and forgave the debt. He probably felt like he could use the money, but he made a decision to forgive. The servant, on the other hand, was owed approximately $4,000 and made a decision not to forgive the debt. The master was enraged and turned the unforgiving servant over to the torturers.

The same principle applies to us. If we don’t forgive others of their offenses, we won’t be forgiven of ours. Once you let go and forgive, you have the power to move forward in freedom. So, let’s let go.

Question: How will your relationships improve when you let go?

Happy Wife, Happy Life

February 2, 2014 / Simone / 0 Comments

Image | Hanna-Barbara

A few months ago, I was going through a rough patch at work. I was quite miserable, because things just weren’t going my way. And almost every day I would come home, sit in the closet, and cry. (We live in a studio apartment. So, there is little space for privacy).

Morris was supportive and comforting at first, but after about three months. He turns to me and says “Simone, I just want you to be happy.”

And, I says to myself “I am happy”.

Well…I’m happy with everything else in my life, except work. The problem is work and constantly thinking about it had consumed all of my mind space & soured my attitude. I was no longer the happy wife that Morris married.

His words stuck with me, and I made a decision to be happy again.

Make a Decision to Be Happy

I learned about making a decision to be happy during pre-marital counseling. Our counselor explained that for the first few years of his marriage he spent a long time trying to make his wife happy. Eventually, he moved out and they almost got a divorce! But, he realized that it was her decision to be happy, and it didn’t have anything to do with him. They reconciled, and have now been happily married for 14 years.

Views from Men on Relationship Happiness

When I am interviewing christian, black, men about their views on relationships. I also ask them about the importance of a woman’s happiness. All have said it was important, but for varying reasons. Here’s a few comments from the fellows on happiness in a relationship:

Women are good communicators. So, if they are not happy they will communicate it well.
Hurt people, hurt people. And, if a woman is perpetually unhappy she will hurt me and my family. It is a never ending cycle.
I want to be around someone that is happy, but I can’t be responsible for their happiness.
A woman’s happiness is important, but she can’t make it difficult for me to make her happy. If a man can’t make you happy, it is discouraging to him, and damaging to the relationship.

Have Your Own Life

Laura Doyle in her book “The Surrendered Single” talks about making yourself happy every day. She says that the more you enjoy your life, the more attractive you will be. I agree, because no one wants to be with a Debbie Downer.

She also recommends that women maintain their own lives when in relationships, because no one person can meet all of our emotional needs. Laura adds that casting aside friends and hobbies that you once enjoyed in favor of total immersion with a man could make you cranky, co-dependent and miserable. We must keep ourselves happy and balanced. This factor is paramount to a successful relationship, because no great love was ever founded upon a woman giving up everything she loves and enjoys.

For more tips on being happy visit +Rosetta Thurman over at Happy Black Woman…she is a wealth of wisdom on gaining and maintaining happiness.

What Does Goal-Setting Have to do with Relationships?

December 29, 2013 / Simone / 2 Comments

As we approach the closing of 2013 and the opening of 2014, you may be thinking about setting goals for the upcoming year. But, I wanted to ask you…do you include goals for your ships?

I know. I know. You are saying “what on earth is a ship?”
Ships are your relationships, courtships, and friendships.

2013 is the first year that I included goals for my ships. And, I feel like God did some amazing things as a result of being intentional.

My 2013 Goals

My SHIP Goals and Why I Choose Them

I set a goal of completing a Bible Study with Morris and playing a sport with him. I wanted to do a Bible Study with Morris, because it’s important for us to continue growing in our faith together. We studied the 12 Traits of the Greats this summer and we still refer back to those lessons. I wanted to play a sport with Morris, because he likes them. I am not a huge fan of baseball, but I am a huge fan of Morris. So, we headed out to the park a couple of times to play catch. I think my wife stock rose as a result:-).

Third, I made a commitment to write two letters a week to friends and family, because I want to be a better steward of the relationships God has given me. So, often time marches on and it has been months since I’ve spoken to someone I love or care about. And, that makes me sad. So, I made it a point to write letters twice a week and to call or text friends just to say “hi” or “I was thinking about you”.

For more tips on goal-setting visit Michael Hyatt, former CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishing, over at his blog. He has written a great blog post on writing goals that are S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Realistic and Time-Bound). I sat down and re-read it today while preparing to write my goals for 2014, and I wanted to share it with you. Just think about things and activities that are important to the people in your ships. If you include your ships in your goal-setting for 2014, I promise you will have measurable returns.

Question: Have you set goals for your ships before? If so, how did it go? If not, will you set them in 2014?

Headed Home for the Holidays? Here’s 4 Tips to Make the Most of Your Time

December 21, 2013 / Simone / 0 Comments

Millions of folks travel home for the holidays. But soon after they arrive, some wish that they had not made that trek to be with their family. Being around your family is a mixed bag, because they know what makes you happy…but they also know how to tap dance on your last nerve.

Here’s a few of the tips that I use when I head home, and I wanted to share them with you.

Spend Time with Each Person, Individually: Sometimes, I fall into the trap of feeling like I’ve connected with everyone, because we are in the same room together. But, that’s a false notion.

You are an individual. I am an individual. And, we both have different dreams and hopes for the future. So, make it a point to catch up with each person. And, be willing to meet people on their turf. By that I mean, if your sister likes underwater basket weaving…take your swimsuit and be prepared to learn how to weave!

Give Your Opinion Only When Asked: A lot of unnecessary squabbles can erupt when we intend to “help” people by giving our unsolicited opinion. Don’t fall for it!

Image: Carrie’s Corner

Put Away the Phone: Chances are that you have your phone with you 24/7, but you probably don’t have that much face to face time with your parents/aunts/uncles/nieces/nephews/cousins and/or grandparents. Live in the moment and be present. I leave my phone in my luggage while visiting my family, because I want them to have my full attention.

Focus on Fun: Make an effort to have fun together and create great memories. Whether it’s playing Taboo, or Cranium, or acting out a play…do a fun activity that includes everyone in your family. This will bring the family together, and you should have a few good laughs as a result. Three years ago my family and I made up a silly dance and recorded it. I tried to share it with you, but the file is too large for Blogger (insert sad face).

I’m headed to Texas next week to spend time with my husband’s family. And, we have a traditional Nicaraguan activity planned…making nacatamales. I am excited to learn more about their family’s holiday traditions, and spend time with them. I’ll share photos with you when I return.

I hope these tips help you make the most of your time with your family. By the way, do you have any Christmas family traditions? If so, I’d love to hear about them. I was reading an article on WebMD about the habits of happy families and traditions was key. So, I am looking to learn!

Thank you for stopping by to visit and Merry Christmas. Love, Simone

Image: Klove.com

How Ghanaians Changed My Views on Africa, Families, and Marriage

December 14, 2013 / Simone / 0 Comments

“Are you Nigerian?” That’s what my friend, KB, said to me when we first met a few years ago. KB is Ghanaian-American and the child of immigrants. She thought I was Nigerian, because of my large family.

I don’t remember what I said to her, but I remember thinking.
“No! I’m from Nashville, but my family is from Texas.”

Before that day, I had never considered where my ancestors hailed from. But, I knew that I did not want them to be from Africa. Growing up, I can remember thinking how awful it would be to be from Africa. I blame Feed the Children for this notion.

Don’t get me wrong, Feed the Children does amazing work. But, their marketing campaigns impacted me in a negative way. To this day, I can picture images of malnutritioned African children and their almost naked bodies. Seeing those children shaped my negative notion of Africa, and I can remember thinking thank goodness…I’m from Nashville!

Image from solarpumpsafrica.com

But, then a few years ago I celebrated New Year’s Eve with KB at her church. I walked into the sanctuary. And, I remember being surrounded by the flags from all the African countries displayed around the sanctuary. The congregants are primarily West African families, and attending that service was a life-changing experience.

In one night, my views on Africa and my thoughts on black families changed literally overnight.

Africa is not a Country

Prior to that night, I thought of Africa as one distinct homogeneous place, and not a continent of 55 countries*, thousands of languages, and a number of cultural nuances. Take Togo, for instance. Another friend was on her way to Mozambique, and lost her luggage in Togo. Locals kept telling her not to worry, because the Togolese are known for their honesty and her bag would be returned. Sure enough, a few days later her luggage was returned.

Black Marriages Still Work

Martin and Coretta
Image from blackmarriedtricities.org

Prior to that night, I also wasn’t sure if black marriages worked anymore. The only black married couples that I knew where my parents, and my best friend’s parents. But, both those couples were close to their sixties, and I was in complete despair.

But, that night after the service my friend invited me to have New Year’s breakfast with her and some friends. And, I found myself surrounded by 4 or 5 young married couples that looked like me. All the couples were in their twenties and shared this bond that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

They were talking about courting traditions, and marrying traditions, and traditions for new babies in the community. And, they all had this common thread. There was no drama, and everyone was just sitting there talking and laughing.

And, I soaked up every minute. Because I had NEVER been in this environment before.
I was surrounded by young and married black families, and I loved every minute of it.

Ghanaian Family Traditions

It took me a while to digest everything, but I’ve been talking to my friend about Ghanaian culture and tradition on and off ever since. And, the more I learn…the more I love Ghanaians. Did you know there are very few single-parent homes in the Ghanaian community?

Yes, it’s true. It almost never happens, because if something happens to the husband. Then the brother or the closest male relative cares for that family as if it were his own.

And, very few children are born out of wedlock. Because, when a man expresses interest in a woman. He expresses interest in joining that family. The process is called the knocking, and it is a ceremonious occasion that involves an entire family. There is no going off alone to neck and play footsie, because the young man expresses his interest in the family first and lets the family know that he is a man of integrity. Then, he is given permission to pursue a relationship with the daughter.

Simone, Me, and KB

Here in D.C., I have the gift of coming in contact with many more people and families that recently immigrated to the United States and people that have studied and visited Africa. My friend, Simone, lives in Benin and trains teachers. You can read more about her work here.

I plan to visit Simone and Benin next year, and I can’t wait to see the beauty that is not often publicized in Africa. I’ll share pics when I return.

Breathtaking Kenya and Zambia

Another one of my friends visited Kenya and Zambia. She came back with great stories of going on safari, a gourmet breakfast in the wild, and seeing Blair Underwood and his family. Aren’t her photographs are breathtaking?

Victoria Falls in Zambia

Where Do I Come From?

I’m proud to be an American, but I long to know so much more about my African heritage and where I come from. One of the things that I love about Morris is that his mother’s side of the family can trace back 7 generations to the village that they lived in Nicaragua. What a gift to know where you come from?

I think that’s one of the many missing links for our families today. There is no pride or heritage or traditions in sharing where we come from. Where do we come from?!?

One of my goals in 2014 will include tracing my blood line to a specific country and visiting Africa. I’m not sure if I am Kenyan, Ghanaian or Nigerian, but if I am…I am proud of it.
____________________________________________________________________

*According to Africacheck.org, the number ranges from 54-56 countries depending on whether or not you include Morocco and Somaliland.

5 Steps to Being a Better Sister

December 4, 2013 / Simone / 4 Comments

Last week, my sister, Michaela, and I were driving to the store together, and there was a 15-minute period of dead silence that really bothered me.

Perhaps it shouldn’t have, but it did.

I mean, Michaela, is a junior in college and I thought she would want to tell me about all her boy problems, and professor problems, and life in general. But, she really didn’t tell me anything. And, no matter how many questions I asked…they were all met with one word answers. She wasn’t being mean. We just didn’t have anything to talk about. But, shouldn’t sisters always have something to talk about?

Or maybe I was to blame because I hadn’t really been talking to her either. Except for the “do this, do that, and don’t forget this.”

It also bothered me that my brother, Issachar, has 450 followers on Instagram. It bothers me, because he is 15 and gentle and kind. And, I want him to stay that way forever.

And, it worries me that some sleazy person on the Internet could change the course of his life. I’ve seen Dateline To Catch a Predator and I know what’s out there! Even though, he lives at home, he has the world at his fingertips in the form of a Samsung Tablet. And, that scares me.

Me and Issachar

I worry that Issachar will end up like Miley Cyrus. You know, one day she was a sweet, innocent kid from Tennessee, and the next day she was broadcasting her fanny across the globe.

Although, I worry about Michaela and Issachar…the only thing I really have control over is my relationship with them. As a sister, I just want everything to be right with my siblings. But, I’m beginning to realize that I can not protect them from the world. I can only give suggestions, share my experience, and hope that they avoid life’s hardships.

I’ve spent the last few days soul searching on how to be a better sister to my siblings. And, I asked my siblings to send me one thing I do well as a sister and one thing that bothers them. It came up that I am judgmental/critical/not supportive.

My first thought was ” I am NOT judgemental. I just want people to do what’s right.”

Oh, wait.
Perhaps, I AM judgemental. (insert sigh) I’ll work on that.

After a lot of reflection, here are five steps that I think will help us be better sisters.

ASKAsk your siblings how you can improve on being a sister.

In business, there is something called a peer review or 360 degree feedback. It gives employees a chance to seek feedback from their peers. It’s a good way, to eliminate blind spots, improve relationships, and establish trust. I think the same can be done for families. Who knows you better than your siblings?!

LISTEN Listen, process, and hear what your sibling has to say.
Resist the temptation to defend yourself. There is simply nothing worse than someone asking you for feedback and then beating you down once you are honest. Be prepared to hear things that may be hurtful, but will improve your relationship in the long run.

HONOR Honor you siblings gifts, talents, and abilities.
You aren’t the only one with good sense. You were both created in God’s image and you should recognize that. I heard Pastor Kevin Gerald talk about Honor a few years ago, and it changed my life. He says that honor elevates everything, and we can’t go to the next level in our business, relationships, or families until we learn to honor. Pastor Gerald says that we must honor first, with no strings attached, in agreement and disagreement, and freely. From then on, I’ve made a concerted effort to honor people.

The world will be a better place if we honor each other. Let’s start with our families.

CHANGE Do everything in your power to change immediately.
If you are told that you are late. Be early. If you are told that you talk too much. Be quiet. If you are told judgemental, keep your opinion to yourself.

The strength of your relationship depends on your willingness to change.

FOLLOW UP Thank your sibling, and ask them if its okay to follow up.
Call it a quarterly review, if you will. Promise to check in on your status. Mark it on your calendar, just like a doctor’s appointment and do it. Be sincere in your efforts to change. Siblings can tell if you don’t mean it.

I hope these tips help you along the road to a better relationship with your siblings. Love, Simone

Dear Macy’s: Please Save Thanksgiving

November 22, 2013 / Simone / 0 Comments

Dear Macy’s,Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite holiday. It is all about food and family. In my family, my mom cooks the turkey, ham, macaroni and cheese, and everyone else makes the side dishes. For example, me and my dad make the yeast rolls, Isaac makes the mashed potatoes, Morris makes the brussel sprouts, etc. etc. The day includes lots of food, laughing, and games. And until now, there have been no external forces competing for our family time together. And, that’s why you should close your stores.

You and I have been friends for many years, and I always enjoy scouring the sales rack during the change of seasons. But, I fear your decision to open your doors for commerce on the evening of Thanksgiving is cause for concern.
I know, I know. All the other stores are doing it. But, if all the other stores decided to jump off the proverbial bridge does that mean you would too?

Let’s face it Wal-Mart and Toys R Us began encroaching upon Thanksgiving last year, but you…you are so much better than them. Wal- Mart is known for its low prices and questionable employment practices. And, Toys R US, well, they need all the help they can get. But you, dear Macy’s, have always been better than that. You appear to treat your employees with dignity, you hire veterans, and aside from that icky music video of Justin Bieber and Mariah Carey you and I are generally on good terms.

But, this decision to sacrifice the family time of thousands of employees for four more hours of commerce…could really damage our relationship.

I know full well the sacredness of Thanksgiving and Christmas to mall workers. (The only two days most malls are closed). Because, I worked at Kay Jewelers for six years. And, it is tough to be a mall worker during the holidays…the extended hours, the impatient shoppers, and the increased threat of theft. The mall is open 363 days a year.

Isn’t that enough?

Or do you plan to stop selling online during this period of time?

There is logic that says, “people are shopping on-line anyway, let’s bring them in the stores.” No, we should not bring them in the stores. Because, once you, dear Macy’s, fling your doors open for commerce on Thanksgiving Day more merchants will soon follow, and the damage will be irreparable.

You and J.C. Penny’s made the right decision last year. Couldn’t you make it again?
You may say it’s the evening, and we aren’t opening until 8:00 p.m.!

Even though, the store opens at 8:00 p.m., I imagine staff will have to arrive at 7:00 p.m. And, some employees commute an hour or more. So, they have to leave home at 6:00 p.m. But, it takes an hour to get dressed and look presentable. So, while their family is sitting down to relax and watch a ball game and enjoy dessert they will be ripped away from the festivities at roughly 5:00 p.m.

And, women that would normally be sequestered together with their unwanted in-laws, may now dip off to the mall in avoidance of that awkward silence. And, a golden opportunity for character building would have been missed.

And if you, Dear Macy’s, open your doors on Thanksgiving Day, your peers such as Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus, and Bergdorf Goodman will soon follow suite. Please save Thanksgiving, Macy’s. You have the
power to do so.

But, should you choose not to flex your influential muscle…I will not be shopping with you again until after the Christmas holiday. Nordstrom, TJ Maxx, and Ross made the right decision. So, there are plenty of moral shopping alternatives.

I’m sorry it, has to be this way, but the choice is yours.
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Dear Reader, if you share my position on the Thanksgiving retailing debacle, could you help me spread the word? Please pass this post along on your favorite social network. Who knows, we may just save some folks some time with family. Love, Simone

Category: Family (Page 4 of 7)

The Power of Letting Go