My Family Fantastic

Creating Experiences That Help Relationships Thrive

Category: Relationships (Page 6 of 12)

5 Steps to Being A Better Sister

October 20, 2014 / / 4 Comments

Last week, my sister, Michaela, and I were driving to the store together, and there was a 15-minute period of  dead silence that really bothered me.

Perhaps it shouldn’t have, but it did.

Image | Cheezburger.com

Image | Cheezburger.com

I mean, Michaela, is a junior in college and I thought she would want to tell me about all her boy problems, and professor problems, and life in general. But, she really didn’t tell me anything. And, no matter how many questions I asked…they were all met with one word answers. She wasn’t being mean. We just didn’t have anything to talk about. But, shouldn’t sisters always have something to talk about?  Continue reading

The Problem with Falling in Love

October 17, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Falling In LoveThe problem with falling in love, is that you can fall out of it.

But, true love is a decision to stay committed even when things get tough.

We’re talking about this topic today, because two of my friends recently stopped dating nice guys because there was no chemistry. And, it made me a little sad. Because, I don’t want my friends to miss out on true love because of a misconception.

Chemistry Ain’t All That
The misconception is that chemistry/falling in love is the end all be all. It is not. And, I think pop culture has warped our sense of what it takes to make a relationship work.

It also got me to thinking “Did me and Morris have chemistry when we first met?” He says we didn’t. I agree.

We didn’t have chemistry in the sense that our eyes locked, music started to play, and we began that slow walk toward each other across the room like you see in the movies.

Nope, the beginning of our relationship was a series of miscommunication, misread signals, and near misses. But, that’s a tale for another day.

Love is NOT….
Erich Fromm, a German psychologist, explains in his book The Art of Loving that love is an activity, not a passive effect. It is a “standing in” and not a “falling for.”

Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the 5 Love Languages, explains that the feeling of “falling in love” has three problems: 

1. Falling in love is not an act of will…it just happens to you.
2. Falling in love is effortless. We do outlandish things with no effort at all.
3. The “in love” experience does not encourage us to help the other person grow. We view them as perfect.

And, that just ain’t realistic. Because not a one of us is perfect. And it is generally when we realize “Hmmm, this person has some flaws.” That we start to fall out of love.

But, true love empowers us to love each other despite our imperfections.

Love IS….
The Bible explains that love is:

  • patient
  • kind
  • not easily angered
  • not selfish
  • not proud
  • keeps no record of wrongs
  • always protects
  • and always hopes

And, if we base our capacity to be in a loving relationship based on chemistry, we are doomed for failure. Just like the ups and downs of Love and Basketball.

So, do you agree or disagree? Is there a problem with falling in love?

Love, Simone
Image: Love & Basketball

How NOT to Talk to Guys

July 24, 2014 / / 4 Comments

Image | David Wygant

I had a problem when I was single. I didn’t know how to talk to guys. I know what you are thinking. “Simone, you are the farthest thing from shy?! What was your problem?”When it came to guys that I thought I might like…I had a bad habit of ignoring them. I got all nervous, and couldn’t think straight, and couldn’t make coherent sentences.

In other words, I lost all sense of normalcy. So, I resorted to ignoring them in an effort to keep from saying something completely stupid.Here is a typical conversation that I might have had with a guy that I have no interest in what so ever.

Conversation A
Simone: Good Morning, Titus! How are you?
Guy A: Good, Simone, how are you?

Simone: Well, thank you. Did you have a good weekend?
Guy A: I did, but I didn’t do much watched the game, hung out with some friends, and went running. That’s about it.

Simone: Sounds like you had a good weekend! I went running too, but the heat made it pretty tough. I’m going to try and run earlier next weekend. Are you training for anything?
Guy A: Yes, the Marine Corp Marathon. I’ve run it a couple of years in a row.

Simone: Whoa! That’s awesome. I dream about doing a marathon one day, but I’m not there yet. Congratulations on setting that tremendous physical goal, Titus. It was good to talk to you. Have a good day!
Guy A: You too, Simone. See you later.

Now, for the conversation with the guy that I thought I might like…but I had no idea because I’ve never had a decent conversation with him.

Conversation B
Guy B: Hi Simone! How are you?
Simone: Well, thank you.

Guy B: Did you have a good weekend?
Simone: Yes, thank you.

Guy B: Oh, what did you do?
Simone: Nothing much, just hung around.

Guy B: Well, that sounds nice. Have a good day, Simone
Simone: Thanks.

Why on Earth did I do this?

Things worked out in the end, and I wound up with my dream man. But, it turns out I’m not the only one with this problem.

If you too get a case of the heebie jeebies when it comes to talking to guys… try these 3 tips:

  • Smile: It turns out that guys almost never approach girls that look mean or unapproachable.
  • Don’t Jump the Gun: Aim for having a short friendly conversation, and avoid the mental gymnastics of trying to figure out what your future children will look like. It’s simply too much pressure.
  •  Compliment Him: All God’s children like compliments. No matter how confident a man looks on the outside, he still needs to know he’s enough. And, compliments are a great way to kick off a conversation.
    It might seem a little scary at first, but you got this! Question: What other ways can single women let guys know they are interested? 

(Video) Finding Mr. Right

July 6, 2014 / / 0 Comments

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic of being the right person, because often our main objective is focused on the finding Mr. Right. But, being the right person is the essence of what can make our relationships sink or swim. And, I want your relationships to swim. So, I’m sharing this video today.

“Success in marriage is much more than a matter of finding the right person; it is also a matter of being the right person.” That’s what Leland Foster Wood said in his book,Growing Together in Family. 

My friend, Katharine, sent me a talk given by Andy Stanley. He breaks down the right person myth in a funny way, and captures the essence of being the right person beautifully.

It’s 29-minutes. I know, what you are thinking: “Simone, I don’t have that kinda time! I. am. busy.” I get it. I get it, but this is sound advice and I think it is worth your time. Will you watch it? I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Rerun: 28 Days and Counting

July 3, 2014 / / 0 Comments
As I mentioned last week, for the month of July we’ll be taking a walk down memory lane to where this blog all started. Four years ago my younger brother had the audacity to get married before me and the single Simone was a little worried. 
Isaac & Simone

My brother, Isaac, is getting married in 28 days. I am more than excited for him. But, I am less than enthusiastic for myself. You see, Isaac is 25. I am 28. He is getting married before me, and that presents a conundrum. Why you say? Because, I will have to face all of our family, all of our friends, and all their questions.You know the questions I’m referring to. The one’s that come with raised eyebrows and feigned courtesy. You look great, Simone, how are you doing? Translation: You aren’t ugly, Simone, why aren’t you married? Ahhhh!

What’s a single girl to do? How do I explain that I am content? I LOVE my, family, job, apartment, friends, church, and all around life. How do I explain that when I wake up in the morning I thank God for another day that I get to live in this FANTASTIC city? Why does it have to boil down to this one future guy that I hope to meet in the near or distant future?

Yes. One day I do want to be married. Yes. I do want to have 4-6 kids. No. I am not delusional. I know that if I want to have that many kids I’ll have to start sooner rather than later. And No. I’m not one of those Sex in the City gals that thinks having a great career, wearing high heels to walk 20 blocks, and sleeping around is the life. I’m just not in a hurry. Can that be okay?

How to Recover from the Mr. Wrongs and Get Ready for Mr. Right

June 19, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Spiritually speaking, my college years were dark. And, when I look back on those years I shudder.  Because, I entangled myself in bad relationships and situations that could’ve ended in a number of dire situations.

Thankfully, the Lord used those years to teach me priceless lessons. And, God has used my story to free other women. Looking back, I can see that it was all about rebellion.

Mr. Wrongs

Rebellion from the lessons of faith I had been taught growing up. I thought I was running into freedom, but I was actually running into destruction. And, it took a long time to untangle my soul from the men I had attached myself to. My road to redemption started with me telling my dad that I didn’t want to live that kind of life anymore. But, it was still a long road from there.

The Switch

While living in El Paso, TX with my grandfather, I began dating my first Christian guy. I had it all planned out– we were going to get married. He went to church and loved Jesus. That was enough for me. Let’s seal the deal.

I didn’t know it at the time, but he had asked my dad if we could get married. And, we had only dated a few months. My dad’s response was “let’s see what happens.” Not, exactly a vote of confidence. There were a few red flags, but nothing I couldn’t “sort out” once we were hitched.The relationship seemed to be going well until September of 2007.

And, then the boot dropped. He gave me an ultimatum. Was I going to stay in El Paso after school or move away?

And, I…I didn’t have an answer. I wanted to be open to God’s will. I didn’t want to commit myself to El Paso! My life was just starting. And, I said just that.

And, he broke up with me.
I was crushed. I cried and listened to Jennifer Hudson’s “And, I’m telling you I’m Not Going” for about 3 weeks. And, I watched Mahogany with Dianna Ross for the first time.

The Good News

The good news is that I survived. And, God continues to use my sordid past and my terrible break up for His glory.
Romans 8:28 says that: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. God didn’t intend for me to experience those things. It was my disobedience that led me down that path. But, He can use it all the same.

My Dating Hiatus

I swore off men for three years after my break-up. And, the next man that I dated was Morris, my awesome husband.

Milton Yang | Photography

Milton Yang | Photography

During that dating hiatus my relationship with the Lord grew strong. I prayed more. I studied the Bible more, and I began paying off debt and running half marathons. God used my dating hiatus to strengthen me personally. And, heal my heart from relationship wounds.

I read a book this month entitled, The Waiting Room by T.C. Spellen. It is a 31-Day Devotional for single women waiting for the right husband. I loved this book, because it is a spiritual roadmap to preparing for marriage. T.C. includes discussions on:

  • Taming the Tongue
  • Creating Boundaries
  • Praying

These are things that I learned during my dating hiatus. But, I think T.C.’s book could’ve helped me recover from the Mr. Wrongs and prepare for Mr. Right a lot faster.Question: How have you recovered from the Mr. Wrongs? And, what’s your strategy to prepare for Mr. Right?

PS: I’m hosting my first relationship workshop next month. I’d love for you to come. You can buy a ticket here.

“I Don’t Need a Man”

June 5, 2014 / / 2 Comments
I don't need a man

That’s what a woman said to me when talking about her desire to me in a relationship. She said, “I don’t need a man, I just want one for companionship.”

It took me a while to process what she said. And, I don’t remember my response. But, I remember thinking “that makes no sense. And, I’m sure a man would never want to be around you…given your sour attitude.”

But, in reality, her sentiment is echoed by many women. Remember, the scene from the movie, Best Man: Holiday, where Jordan tells her new boo she doesn’t need him?

It is painful to watch.

A word from men on this subject. 

Later on, the words of one of the christian black  men that I interviewed
earlier this year came back to me. He said that “often times women convince themselves that they don’t need a man, and it affects how they treat them.”Now, that statement makes perfect sense!When we don’t need something, we treat it accordingly.Think about all the things that you don’t need i.e. the extra pair of jeans that we no longer fit/need that we keep around for posterity. We just throw them in the closet any old where. But, that new dress that makes you feel like a million bucks…that dress gets prime closet real estate.

It is a fact of a life, we treat things that we value with care. And, if we don’t value being in a relationship with men. It will affect how we treat them.

A word from an expert on this subject. 

Laura Doyle discusses this in her book , The Surrendered Single.  She says that saying we don’t need a man is ultimately about control. She says that denying what we want is a way of controlling our desires so that you can ward off the fear, disappointment,and humiliation.

Needing a man does not equate to being desperate. 
She says “being loved by a man is our birthright as a woman. Mating is one of the oldest, ingrained human instincts. While self-sufficiency is admirable, it doesn’t fulfill our needs to be intimate with a man.”Laura explains that surrendering to the desire to be married changes our countenance and body language. “Instead of wearing I-don’t-need-a-man body armor, you’ll signal “I’m available to the right guy.”

The Good News
The good news is that men need us. God said so in Genesis 2:18. “The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper* suitable for him.” So, if men need us. Surely, we can’t be too proud to admit that we need men too.

*I  know that word “helper” is a touchy subject. I’ve been researching it and we’ll be discussing it soon.

Question: Do you know anyone that wears I-don’t-need-man  body armor”? If so, how does it affect their relationships? 


*******
PS: In July, I’ll be hosting my first live event in Washington, D.C! Stay tuned. I’ll be sharing details next week.

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