Category: Relationships (Page 8 of 12)

The Power of Letting Go

March 17, 2014 / Simone / 0 Comments

I love the song, Let it Go. I love the message. And, I love the reminder it gives me: there is power in letting go. This song is from the movie, Frozen. A movie about two sisters with a strained relationship. One sister hurts the other, and drama ensues.

We all have been wounded. We all have been hurt. And, generally those hurts are inflicted by those closest to us. But, continuing to hold onto hurt and offense is crippling.

The Burden of Offense
Pastor Wesley talked about learning to live above offense a few weeks ago at church. He said that:

Satan seeks to burdens us with offenses.
We must reject retaliation and refuse to get even.
We must be open to reconciliation.

The message stuck with me, because offense is the enemy of strong relationships, marriages, and families.

Offense Hurts You and Your Relationship with God
John Bevere in his book, The Bait of Satan, talks about offense. He says that offense imprisons us, severs relationships, and hinders our relationship with God. Because an offended Christian is one that takes in life, but because of fear cannot release life. ( Please read his book. If you apply the principles, it will change your walk with the Lord and your relationships).

Image| glorialockhart.com

Forgiveness is the key to letting go.

Make a Decision

We must make a decision to forgive. There is a common misperception that we must feel “ready” to forgive. It’s wrong. Forgiveness starts with a decision. We make the decision and act on it.

Do you remember the parable of the talents?

In Matthew, a servant owed his master approximately $4.5 billion dollars. However, the master was kind and generous and forgave the debt. He probably felt like he could use the money, but he made a decision to forgive. The servant, on the other hand, was owed approximately $4,000 and made a decision not to forgive the debt. The master was enraged and turned the unforgiving servant over to the torturers.

The same principle applies to us. If we don’t forgive others of their offenses, we won’t be forgiven of ours. Once you let go and forgive, you have the power to move forward in freedom. So, let’s let go.

Question: How will your relationships improve when you let go?

Dating Outside the Box

March 9, 2014 / Simone / 0 Comments

Image | cltc.com

When Morris and I first began dating, our relationship almost came to a screeching halt. Because, I had a checklist and he was “missing” an item.

My list included that he must 1) love Jesus 2) be tall and 3) volunteer.

It was important that my potential husband volunteer. Because, I had to be certain that he cared for others.

So, I tested Morris one day.

We were at Screen on the Green with some friends on the National Mall, and I asked him if he would like to go volunteer with me at a homeless shelter.

He said “No, homeless shelters aren’t really my thing”

“WHAT?!” I says to myself. “Not, your thing?! Clearly, I can’t marry someone that doesn’t want to volunteer at a homeless shelter. He obviously has no heart and would not be a suitable match.” In my mind, my checklist kept me from wasting time on unsuitable matches.

I Was Wrong.
Fast forward 4 years…Morris, now my husband, volunteers with the homeless ministry at our church. And, spends at least some time every weekend volunteering. He later told me that he finds homeless shelters depressing, but otherwise he is very much for volunteering. Clearly, my initial snap judgement was wrong. What if I had ruled him out because of that one response? I would likely be lonely.

Dating Outside the Box

The box is the list or mental checklist that we keep in our heads. It says what our perfect potential mate should look like. Maybe your dream man is tall, looks like +Idris Elba , and has the personality and bank account of +Steve Harvey . In reality, the checklist is a suit of armor.

Why We Create the Box
Laura Doyle in her book , The Surrendered Single, says that the checklist is about fear. She says that by holding on to qualities we want in a man, we are setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations. As long as the checklist is never met, we don’t have to risk our hearts and we don’t have to be vulnerable.

I also think we set up checklists to impress people in our social circles. In our minds, we’ve set up what our families, friends, and colleagues will find acceptable and we arbitrarily rule out men that fall outside those parameters.

The Problems with the Box:

You rule out a lot of good men.
The man that is right for you, might be different than you imagined.
It leaves little room for input from the Lord.

Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have standards. You should. But, your standards should be reflective of his character, not his resume.

God Knows What We Need, We Don’t.

I am an extrovert, impatient, get fussy when things don’t go my way, and am woefully lacking in the mercy department. So, God gave me a husband that is long suffering, patient, and gives EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt. If you are anything like me, you probably have not identified all of your character defects. But, God knows what you need in a man…even if you don’t.

You Might Miss Out on a Good Thing.
In short, good men come in all shapes and sizes and God knows what you need. Don’t limit yourself to dating inside the box, because you could miss out on a good thing just like I almost did.

Question: Do you have a dating checklist or box? If so, what will you do to let it go?

The Death of Decency

March 4, 2014 / Simone / 2 Comments

Image | BET Networks

Last week the television series, Being Mary Jane, concluded its 8-week run on BET. The show followed the life of Mary Jane Paul, a successful news anchor that has a tumultuous family and love life. She dates and pursues a relationship with a married man.

The troubling fact is, that in an effort to promote the show, BET urged women to take to social media and explain why they are Mary Jane. Thousands of women responded for the chance to be featured on a commercial break. And it made me wonder, why is there a constant stream of indecency nowadays?

Media Rewards Indecency
Say you are Mary Jane, and we’ll give you a commercial. Beyonce bares her backside on the Grammy’s, and her album sales skyrocket. Miley Cyrus shakes her fanny, and she is rewarded with millions of YouTube views. And, the Boston Marathon bomber is featured on the cover of Rolling Stone. The message we send is do something harmful, indecent, or reckless, and everyone will pay attention.

Hurt People, Hurt people

Only a hurting person would purposefully wreak havoc on someone else’s marriage. Perhaps Mary Jane is lonely. Perhaps she is scared she will wind up alone. Either way she is hurting and she is determined to ensure that others hurt. Mary Jane may intend to head toward “happily ever after”, but her direction is headed toward heartache and heart break.

The Principle of the Path
In his book, the Principle of the Path, Andy Stanley says that direction-not intention-determines our destination. If I get in my car and drive toward I-95 South headed toward Richmond. My destination is ultimately, Richmond. It doesn’t matter that I intended to go I-95 North to Baltimore and visit the aquarium. The same is true in life.

If your actions and decisions are headed in the direction of heartache and heartbreak, that will be your ultimate destination.

People Need Truth
The Mary Janes of the world need people that will tell them the truth, reach out, and pray with them and for them. Indecency thrives when we sit by, shake our heads, and do nothing.

We Are in a Battle
The death of decency is simply a symptom of a deeper problem. John 10:10 says that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. But, I came that you might have life and it more abundantly. The death of decency is all a part of the enemy’s plan, and it is played out every single day when a husband is stolen, a family is destroyed, or an innocent is life taken.

But, Christ came that we might have life and it more abundantly. Pĕrissŏs is the Greek word for abundantly, and it means superabundant, beyond, superior, excessive, and superfluous. And, that’s the life Christ wants for me, you, and even the Mary Janes of the world.

Question: What factors do you think are contributing to the death of decency? How can we fight those factors?

Love Is Not Enough

February 24, 2014 / Simone / 4 Comments

Image | Telegraph

Women need love. Men need respect.
Love alone is not enough for a happy relationship. In Ephesians, Paul says “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” This is not a suggestion it is a must.

You may say “Simone, I am not married. So, this does not apply to me.” But, it does!

I’m learning through my interviews that being respectful is attractive. Being disrespectful is unattractive. For example, a girl my husband once dated told him that he wouldn’t be a good father, because he spent too much time working and studying for graduate school. He dumped that girl.

Respecting Men Will Help You Attract Men
If you are respectful, you will attract men. One of the guys I interviewed said that respect is critical, because he needs to know that someone values his ideas, respects his opinions, and that he has support.

Black men, especially, need our support. People are simply not lining up to tell them that they are loved and adored. Let us not forget that +Richard Sherman is a thug, despite being a Stanford graduate and Justin Bieber is our misguided youth, despite drag racing, drug possession, and egg throwing.

The Crazy Cycle

Image| Love & Respect

In his book, Love & Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs says that when a man feels disrespected, he may react in ways that feel unloving. When a wife feels unloved, she may reacts in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband.

Dr. Eggerichs tells the story of his parent’s marriage. Mrs. Eggerichs made a good income, and it enabled her to live without Mr. Eggerichs resources. Mrs. Eggerichs sent her husband the message that she could get along without him, by making financial decisions without consulting him. Mr. Eggerichs felt insignificant, offended, and hurt. And, often responded in an angry manner which left his wife feeling unloved.

Respect Research:
+Shaunti Feldhahn interviewed more than one thousand men for her book For Women Only. Chapter 2 is dedicated to her findings regarding love and respect. She says that women can show respect by:

Respecting his judgment. A man deeply needs to know that the woman in his life respects his knowledge, opinions, and decisions.
Respecting his abilities. Men like to figure things out. The problem is we want to help them, and this translates into distrust.
Respect in public. Dozens of men told Ms. Feldhan that it was painful when their wives criticized them in public. But, the opposite is true too. If you praise him in public, he will feel adored.

How to Show Respect:

Refuse to engage in conversations that degrade men. When your girlfriend says “Girl, you know men don’t know nothing about (insert topic). Do not agree. We believe the things we hear ourselves say. If we believe men are good for nothing, we will treat them as such.
Admire men. It will improve the way you treat them. Men are attracted to women that admire them. Not in the sense that we, oogle or objectify them. But, that we appreciative their gifts, talents, and strengths. Don’t you like it when someone admires you?
Compliment Men. If you are married, publicly praise your husband. If you are single, compliment the next five guys you see that are attractive. My friend recently began telling men that she thinks are attractive that they are, and in return she is attracting and being pursued more.

Question: How do you show respect to your spouse? If you are single, how will you practice respecting the men in your life?

Happy Wife, Happy Life

February 2, 2014 / Simone / 0 Comments

Image | Hanna-Barbara

A few months ago, I was going through a rough patch at work. I was quite miserable, because things just weren’t going my way. And almost every day I would come home, sit in the closet, and cry. (We live in a studio apartment. So, there is little space for privacy).

Morris was supportive and comforting at first, but after about three months. He turns to me and says “Simone, I just want you to be happy.”

And, I says to myself “I am happy”.

Well…I’m happy with everything else in my life, except work. The problem is work and constantly thinking about it had consumed all of my mind space & soured my attitude. I was no longer the happy wife that Morris married.

His words stuck with me, and I made a decision to be happy again.

Make a Decision to Be Happy

I learned about making a decision to be happy during pre-marital counseling. Our counselor explained that for the first few years of his marriage he spent a long time trying to make his wife happy. Eventually, he moved out and they almost got a divorce! But, he realized that it was her decision to be happy, and it didn’t have anything to do with him. They reconciled, and have now been happily married for 14 years.

Views from Men on Relationship Happiness

When I am interviewing christian, black, men about their views on relationships. I also ask them about the importance of a woman’s happiness. All have said it was important, but for varying reasons. Here’s a few comments from the fellows on happiness in a relationship:

Women are good communicators. So, if they are not happy they will communicate it well.
Hurt people, hurt people. And, if a woman is perpetually unhappy she will hurt me and my family. It is a never ending cycle.
I want to be around someone that is happy, but I can’t be responsible for their happiness.
A woman’s happiness is important, but she can’t make it difficult for me to make her happy. If a man can’t make you happy, it is discouraging to him, and damaging to the relationship.

Have Your Own Life

Laura Doyle in her book “The Surrendered Single” talks about making yourself happy every day. She says that the more you enjoy your life, the more attractive you will be. I agree, because no one wants to be with a Debbie Downer.

She also recommends that women maintain their own lives when in relationships, because no one person can meet all of our emotional needs. Laura adds that casting aside friends and hobbies that you once enjoyed in favor of total immersion with a man could make you cranky, co-dependent and miserable. We must keep ourselves happy and balanced. This factor is paramount to a successful relationship, because no great love was ever founded upon a woman giving up everything she loves and enjoys.

For more tips on being happy visit +Rosetta Thurman over at Happy Black Woman…she is a wealth of wisdom on gaining and maintaining happiness.

Confession and Submission

January 28, 2014 / Simone / 0 Comments

Image | MichaelHindes.org

I have a confession to make. I fell short on my commitment to you this week, and I didn’t interview any christian, black, men. I know. I know. It is the third week of the Guide to a Black Man’s Heart series and my goal was to interview at least two people. But I didn’t, and I have no excuses. Please forgive me.

The good news is that my friend, KR, sent me an interesting video that I want to share and discuss with you, and it is a tough topic – submission. Candace Cameron Bure, D.J. from Full House, has a new book entitled Balancing It All. I haven’t read the book yet, but there seems to be some controversy over her discussion of submission.

Submission

Submission seems like such a dirty word. It just makes me think weak and sniveling! I mean it is 2014, aren’t we supposed to be strong, assertive, running things, and Leaning In? But, alas, Ephesians 5 spills A LOT of ink on the this very topic. It says things like:

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as unto the Lord
Wives, should submit to their husbands in everything
The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church

In my head, I’m thinking: Lord, would you puleeeze gimme a break? And, He does. Because Ephesians continues that:

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church
Husbands, ought to love their wives as their own bodies
He who loves his wife, loves himself

(continue self-talk) Yes, Lord! That’s more like it. You tell ’em. It is comforting for me to know that our part is to submit, but our husbands have to love us wildly and unconditionally. Afterall, that’s what Jesus does.D.J. Candace Cameron Bure gives a sublime definition of submission. Please take three minutes and watch the video of her discussing submission with the Huffington Post.

So what do you think about this whole submission thing? Is it necessary to make a marriage successful?

The Problem with Being Too Independent

January 21, 2014 / Simone / 0 Comments

In the fall of 2000, Destiny’s Child debuted their third hit single: Independent Women. It was a rallying cry for women to be 50/50 in relationships, depend on themselves, and that you only needed a man when you were lonely (and even then he was dismissible).

I can remember thinking. That’s right, Beyonce! Sing it, girl (insert fist pumping).

But 14 years later, being married, and two months into interviewing christian, black, men…I can see how the mindset of independence can be damaging to healthy relationships.

Independence is a barrier to healthy relationships

Two of the guys I talked to this week explained that independence and control are barriers that keep us from being in healthy relationships. Independence allows us to protect ourselves if something goes wrong. We’ll be okay if a man leaves us, or if he messes up, because we didn’t really need him in the first place. So, we metaphorically keep our bags packed and are always ready to make a quick exit. Another guy explained that when we convince ourselves we don’t need a man, it affects how we treat them.

Independence is about protection

In her book, The Surrendered Single, Laura Doyle explains that women often protect themselves from disappointment and vulnerability by flaunting their independence. She says that strength is attractive, but hard-nosed independence sends a “get away” message. Women have another side that is soft and vulnerable. That is what men are drawn to. For instance, when you let a man treat you to dinner or help you with your luggage. You give him the opportunity to demonstrate his generosity. This makes him feel proud and happy. If you dismiss his offers in the name of independence, you reject him.

God created men to be rescuers.

In his book, Wild at Heart, John Eldredge explains that the very essence of the way that God created man is to rescue a beauty. From the ancient fables to the latest blockbuster, the theme of a strong man coming to rescue a beautiful woman is universal to human nature. It is written in our hearts, one of the core desires of every man and woman. Moses came to the aid of Zipporah and her sisters at the well. Boaz came to the aid of Ruth and Naomi. And, Joseph saved Mary from being stoned because of the immaculate conception.

So, the next time a man wants to come to your rescue, buy you dinner, or help you stuff your oversized carry-on in the overhead bin…resist the desire to assert your independence and allow him to be the man that God has created him to be.

Category: Relationships (Page 8 of 12)

The Power of Letting Go

Dating Outside the Box

The Death of Decency

Love Is Not Enough