Category: Relationships (Page 9 of 12)

What Can Steve Urkel Teach Us About Relationships?

January 13, 2014 / Simone / 0 Comments

Steve Urkel loved Laura Winslow. But, Steve was a complete dork, dressed like a nerd, and was accident prone. And, Laura could not see past Steve’s exterior…to see his good qualities.

If you were Laura Winslow, would you have been able to look past Steve Urkel’s less than picture perfect exterior? Or do you have to be attracted to a man at first glance? And, is there a particular type of man you have sketched out in your mind’s eye?

Are you overlooking the man of your dreams?

It is possible that the man of your dreams is right under your nose, but you are overlooking him because of preconceived notions.

Over the next six weeks, I’ll be discussing what it takes to build a strong relationship. I’ve been interviewing Christian, black, men to learn their perspectives on relationships. One of the guys mentioned that we live in an Instagram world. He feels like women only want to date men that look a certain way, have a certain job, or drive a certain car. Because women want to look good on Facebook and Instagram. And, that struck me…is that true, are we really that shallow?

Steve Urkel Can Teach Us Some Things…

I’m not sure. But, it got me to thinking about Laura and Steve. If you have a Steve in you life that you are not giving the time of day. Wake up! You might just have Prince Charming under your nose.

Steve Urkel teaches us:

Not to judge a book by its cover in relationships.
A man can change himself, but we can’t change him. (Nor should we try.)
Don’t let disappointments make you bitter.

Disappointments shouldn’t make us bitter…

Steve was loyal. He professed his undying love and affection for Laura for four straight seasons, without any hope that his love would ever be reciprocated. But in season five, he morphed into Stefan Urquell. Steve changed himself, because he loved Laura. And he was willing to change in order to win her heart. But, the most important lesson we can learn from Steve is not to allow disappointments to make us bitter. Even when he became Stefan Urquell, he still was completely and totally in love with Laura.

*Action Item*

So, when you head out into the world today…be open to the possibilities. Don’t let past disappointments deter you. Remember, love comes in all shapes and sizes, and for heaven’s sake, don’t try to change him.

What Does Goal-Setting Have to do with Relationships?

December 29, 2013 / Simone / 2 Comments

As we approach the closing of 2013 and the opening of 2014, you may be thinking about setting goals for the upcoming year. But, I wanted to ask you…do you include goals for your ships?

I know. I know. You are saying “what on earth is a ship?”
Ships are your relationships, courtships, and friendships.

2013 is the first year that I included goals for my ships. And, I feel like God did some amazing things as a result of being intentional.

My 2013 Goals

My SHIP Goals and Why I Choose Them

I set a goal of completing a Bible Study with Morris and playing a sport with him. I wanted to do a Bible Study with Morris, because it’s important for us to continue growing in our faith together. We studied the 12 Traits of the Greats this summer and we still refer back to those lessons. I wanted to play a sport with Morris, because he likes them. I am not a huge fan of baseball, but I am a huge fan of Morris. So, we headed out to the park a couple of times to play catch. I think my wife stock rose as a result:-).

Third, I made a commitment to write two letters a week to friends and family, because I want to be a better steward of the relationships God has given me. So, often time marches on and it has been months since I’ve spoken to someone I love or care about. And, that makes me sad. So, I made it a point to write letters twice a week and to call or text friends just to say “hi” or “I was thinking about you”.

For more tips on goal-setting visit Michael Hyatt, former CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishing, over at his blog. He has written a great blog post on writing goals that are S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Realistic and Time-Bound). I sat down and re-read it today while preparing to write my goals for 2014, and I wanted to share it with you. Just think about things and activities that are important to the people in your ships. If you include your ships in your goal-setting for 2014, I promise you will have measurable returns.

Question: Have you set goals for your ships before? If so, how did it go? If not, will you set them in 2014?

Headed Home for the Holidays? Here’s 4 Tips to Make the Most of Your Time

December 21, 2013 / Simone / 0 Comments

Millions of folks travel home for the holidays. But soon after they arrive, some wish that they had not made that trek to be with their family. Being around your family is a mixed bag, because they know what makes you happy…but they also know how to tap dance on your last nerve.

Here’s a few of the tips that I use when I head home, and I wanted to share them with you.

Spend Time with Each Person, Individually: Sometimes, I fall into the trap of feeling like I’ve connected with everyone, because we are in the same room together. But, that’s a false notion.

You are an individual. I am an individual. And, we both have different dreams and hopes for the future. So, make it a point to catch up with each person. And, be willing to meet people on their turf. By that I mean, if your sister likes underwater basket weaving…take your swimsuit and be prepared to learn how to weave!

Give Your Opinion Only When Asked: A lot of unnecessary squabbles can erupt when we intend to “help” people by giving our unsolicited opinion. Don’t fall for it!

Image: Carrie’s Corner

Put Away the Phone: Chances are that you have your phone with you 24/7, but you probably don’t have that much face to face time with your parents/aunts/uncles/nieces/nephews/cousins and/or grandparents. Live in the moment and be present. I leave my phone in my luggage while visiting my family, because I want them to have my full attention.

Focus on Fun: Make an effort to have fun together and create great memories. Whether it’s playing Taboo, or Cranium, or acting out a play…do a fun activity that includes everyone in your family. This will bring the family together, and you should have a few good laughs as a result. Three years ago my family and I made up a silly dance and recorded it. I tried to share it with you, but the file is too large for Blogger (insert sad face).

I’m headed to Texas next week to spend time with my husband’s family. And, we have a traditional Nicaraguan activity planned…making nacatamales. I am excited to learn more about their family’s holiday traditions, and spend time with them. I’ll share photos with you when I return.

I hope these tips help you make the most of your time with your family. By the way, do you have any Christmas family traditions? If so, I’d love to hear about them. I was reading an article on WebMD about the habits of happy families and traditions was key. So, I am looking to learn!

Thank you for stopping by to visit and Merry Christmas. Love, Simone

Image: Klove.com

How Ghanaians Changed My Views on Africa, Families, and Marriage

December 14, 2013 / Simone / 0 Comments

“Are you Nigerian?” That’s what my friend, KB, said to me when we first met a few years ago. KB is Ghanaian-American and the child of immigrants. She thought I was Nigerian, because of my large family.

I don’t remember what I said to her, but I remember thinking.
“No! I’m from Nashville, but my family is from Texas.”

Before that day, I had never considered where my ancestors hailed from. But, I knew that I did not want them to be from Africa. Growing up, I can remember thinking how awful it would be to be from Africa. I blame Feed the Children for this notion.

Don’t get me wrong, Feed the Children does amazing work. But, their marketing campaigns impacted me in a negative way. To this day, I can picture images of malnutritioned African children and their almost naked bodies. Seeing those children shaped my negative notion of Africa, and I can remember thinking thank goodness…I’m from Nashville!

Image from solarpumpsafrica.com

But, then a few years ago I celebrated New Year’s Eve with KB at her church. I walked into the sanctuary. And, I remember being surrounded by the flags from all the African countries displayed around the sanctuary. The congregants are primarily West African families, and attending that service was a life-changing experience.

In one night, my views on Africa and my thoughts on black families changed literally overnight.

Africa is not a Country

Prior to that night, I thought of Africa as one distinct homogeneous place, and not a continent of 55 countries*, thousands of languages, and a number of cultural nuances. Take Togo, for instance. Another friend was on her way to Mozambique, and lost her luggage in Togo. Locals kept telling her not to worry, because the Togolese are known for their honesty and her bag would be returned. Sure enough, a few days later her luggage was returned.

Black Marriages Still Work

Martin and Coretta
Image from blackmarriedtricities.org

Prior to that night, I also wasn’t sure if black marriages worked anymore. The only black married couples that I knew where my parents, and my best friend’s parents. But, both those couples were close to their sixties, and I was in complete despair.

But, that night after the service my friend invited me to have New Year’s breakfast with her and some friends. And, I found myself surrounded by 4 or 5 young married couples that looked like me. All the couples were in their twenties and shared this bond that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

They were talking about courting traditions, and marrying traditions, and traditions for new babies in the community. And, they all had this common thread. There was no drama, and everyone was just sitting there talking and laughing.

And, I soaked up every minute. Because I had NEVER been in this environment before.
I was surrounded by young and married black families, and I loved every minute of it.

Ghanaian Family Traditions

It took me a while to digest everything, but I’ve been talking to my friend about Ghanaian culture and tradition on and off ever since. And, the more I learn…the more I love Ghanaians. Did you know there are very few single-parent homes in the Ghanaian community?

Yes, it’s true. It almost never happens, because if something happens to the husband. Then the brother or the closest male relative cares for that family as if it were his own.

And, very few children are born out of wedlock. Because, when a man expresses interest in a woman. He expresses interest in joining that family. The process is called the knocking, and it is a ceremonious occasion that involves an entire family. There is no going off alone to neck and play footsie, because the young man expresses his interest in the family first and lets the family know that he is a man of integrity. Then, he is given permission to pursue a relationship with the daughter.

Simone, Me, and KB

Here in D.C., I have the gift of coming in contact with many more people and families that recently immigrated to the United States and people that have studied and visited Africa. My friend, Simone, lives in Benin and trains teachers. You can read more about her work here.

I plan to visit Simone and Benin next year, and I can’t wait to see the beauty that is not often publicized in Africa. I’ll share pics when I return.

Breathtaking Kenya and Zambia

Another one of my friends visited Kenya and Zambia. She came back with great stories of going on safari, a gourmet breakfast in the wild, and seeing Blair Underwood and his family. Aren’t her photographs are breathtaking?

Victoria Falls in Zambia

Where Do I Come From?

I’m proud to be an American, but I long to know so much more about my African heritage and where I come from. One of the things that I love about Morris is that his mother’s side of the family can trace back 7 generations to the village that they lived in Nicaragua. What a gift to know where you come from?

I think that’s one of the many missing links for our families today. There is no pride or heritage or traditions in sharing where we come from. Where do we come from?!?

One of my goals in 2014 will include tracing my blood line to a specific country and visiting Africa. I’m not sure if I am Kenyan, Ghanaian or Nigerian, but if I am…I am proud of it.
____________________________________________________________________

*According to Africacheck.org, the number ranges from 54-56 countries depending on whether or not you include Morocco and Somaliland.

5 Steps to Being a Better Sister

December 4, 2013 / Simone / 4 Comments

Last week, my sister, Michaela, and I were driving to the store together, and there was a 15-minute period of dead silence that really bothered me.

Perhaps it shouldn’t have, but it did.

I mean, Michaela, is a junior in college and I thought she would want to tell me about all her boy problems, and professor problems, and life in general. But, she really didn’t tell me anything. And, no matter how many questions I asked…they were all met with one word answers. She wasn’t being mean. We just didn’t have anything to talk about. But, shouldn’t sisters always have something to talk about?

Or maybe I was to blame because I hadn’t really been talking to her either. Except for the “do this, do that, and don’t forget this.”

It also bothered me that my brother, Issachar, has 450 followers on Instagram. It bothers me, because he is 15 and gentle and kind. And, I want him to stay that way forever.

And, it worries me that some sleazy person on the Internet could change the course of his life. I’ve seen Dateline To Catch a Predator and I know what’s out there! Even though, he lives at home, he has the world at his fingertips in the form of a Samsung Tablet. And, that scares me.

Me and Issachar

I worry that Issachar will end up like Miley Cyrus. You know, one day she was a sweet, innocent kid from Tennessee, and the next day she was broadcasting her fanny across the globe.

Although, I worry about Michaela and Issachar…the only thing I really have control over is my relationship with them. As a sister, I just want everything to be right with my siblings. But, I’m beginning to realize that I can not protect them from the world. I can only give suggestions, share my experience, and hope that they avoid life’s hardships.

I’ve spent the last few days soul searching on how to be a better sister to my siblings. And, I asked my siblings to send me one thing I do well as a sister and one thing that bothers them. It came up that I am judgmental/critical/not supportive.

My first thought was ” I am NOT judgemental. I just want people to do what’s right.”

Oh, wait.
Perhaps, I AM judgemental. (insert sigh) I’ll work on that.

After a lot of reflection, here are five steps that I think will help us be better sisters.

ASKAsk your siblings how you can improve on being a sister.

In business, there is something called a peer review or 360 degree feedback. It gives employees a chance to seek feedback from their peers. It’s a good way, to eliminate blind spots, improve relationships, and establish trust. I think the same can be done for families. Who knows you better than your siblings?!

LISTEN Listen, process, and hear what your sibling has to say.
Resist the temptation to defend yourself. There is simply nothing worse than someone asking you for feedback and then beating you down once you are honest. Be prepared to hear things that may be hurtful, but will improve your relationship in the long run.

HONOR Honor you siblings gifts, talents, and abilities.
You aren’t the only one with good sense. You were both created in God’s image and you should recognize that. I heard Pastor Kevin Gerald talk about Honor a few years ago, and it changed my life. He says that honor elevates everything, and we can’t go to the next level in our business, relationships, or families until we learn to honor. Pastor Gerald says that we must honor first, with no strings attached, in agreement and disagreement, and freely. From then on, I’ve made a concerted effort to honor people.

The world will be a better place if we honor each other. Let’s start with our families.

CHANGE Do everything in your power to change immediately.
If you are told that you are late. Be early. If you are told that you talk too much. Be quiet. If you are told judgemental, keep your opinion to yourself.

The strength of your relationship depends on your willingness to change.

FOLLOW UP Thank your sibling, and ask them if its okay to follow up.
Call it a quarterly review, if you will. Promise to check in on your status. Mark it on your calendar, just like a doctor’s appointment and do it. Be sincere in your efforts to change. Siblings can tell if you don’t mean it.

I hope these tips help you along the road to a better relationship with your siblings. Love, Simone

Finding a Mentor Matters

November 5, 2013 / Simone / 2 Comments

We all know about the power of coaching for athletes. And, mentoring in professional relationships. But, have you ever thought about mentoring/coaching for all aspects of your life and family? For example, Morris and I have marriage mentors. And, when I first “went natural” I had a hair coach. I also have a blog coach.

It doesn’t take a lot to form these relationships. It is simply realizing that someone has more knowledge than you in one area of your life, and exercising a bit of intellectual humility.

Intellectual humility is the point when you realize and embrace the fact that you don’t have all the answers. When Morris and I have kids I’ve already picked out Parenting Coaches. But, I wanted to share four things that I look for in a mentor/coach.

1. A Coach/Mentor must be trustworthy – If you are going to entrust this person with your hopes and dreams, you must be certain that they are someone that will keep your dreams safe, be excited, and help you reach them. I once told a colleague at work about my plan to grow out my relaxer and embrace my natural kinky curls, and she proceeded to list all of the reasons why I shouldn’t do it. She was not a dream keeper.

So, I came home and enlisted the help of my neighbor and friend, Jes. And, the support of Jes made all the difference. Jes has beautiful hair and has been natural for several years. Jes was excited for me. She told me everything she learned during her natural hair journey, gave me hair products to get me started, told me where to shop for hair products, and e-mailed me lots of websites with the best information available. In short, Jes armed me with the knowledge needed for a healthy transition and cheered me on toward success.

2. A Coach/Mentor must have the heart of a teacher– I made a new friend in September, her name is Ashley and she is a professional blogger. A professional blogger! I met Ashley at a wedding while waiting in line at the restroom. She asked me about my profession, and I took a deep breath and explained that I’m an energy analyst for the federal government but I really want to be writer. And, she explained that she’s been a professional blogger for 7 years and offered to help me.

Ashley is the primary reason for the improvement in this blog content over the past several weeks. She listens, asks pointed questions about my ideas and goals, and then she gives me homework and tasks to help move me toward those goals.

3. A Coach/Mentor must keep you accountable – I told my friend, Barbara, that I wanted to be leave my job as an analyst and be a writer. Barbara is an editor for a large D.C. publication, and she reviewed my writing samples and helped me submit column ideas to newspapers. The big writing gig hasn’t come along yet, but Barbara always asks about my progress and keeps me accountable when I get discouraged.

4. A Coach/Mentor must be where you want to be – I guess this could be applied to anything, though. If you want to be a millionaire…ask a millionaire for financial advice. But, I apply this to our marriage mentors. Our marriage mentors have been married for forty plus years. And, they still have A LOT of fun with each other. You can’t be around Ron & Cheryl and not laugh. The finish each other’s sentences and are deeply in love. Morris and I want to be where they are in 40 years.

Now, it’s your turn. I would like to know how you are using mentoring/coaching to improve your life and family? If you don’t have a mentor, but would like one…let me know and I’ll help you find one.

Seeking Approval

October 17, 2013 / Simone / 4 Comments

My brother told me that my last post amounted to a tweet, and that I need to work on expanding my idea. That’s one of the reasons my family is fantastic…we keeps it real. So, here goes…

I guess what I was trying to say in my last post is this: Christians are sometimes portrayed as happy go-lucky people that are immune to the struggles of life. But, that is a false notion.

We have trouble, we have enemies, and we have every-day struggles. And, each time I face some trouble, an enemy, or a struggle I try to ask myself “What is God trying to teach me?” But, it often takes me a while to complete the journey from initial reaction to self-reflection.

Today, I learned that I
really
really
really want people to like me.

Two weeks ago, I applied to the Leadership Development Program at my job. The Program is a training series for high potential employees that have the potential to lead. And, I really wanted to get in. But, I didn’t tell anyone that I was applying, because I am super competitive.

And, I didn’t want people to ask me whether or not I was accepted.

And, I wanted to make it seem like applying was effortless. ( You know, the way someone compliments you on your hair, or new shoes, or whatever and you want to make it seem effortless so you say “Oh, this old thing. I’ve had this fooooorever).

And, I really wanted that validation that said: “Yes, S.B., you belong here. And, we acknowledge you are an excellent employee, an asset to the organization, and a nice person. We wish all employees were like you. And, we want you to be a future leader.”

But, I was rejected

And, I was crushed.

I spent the afternoon crying in my office, and dreaming of revenge. I know! I would apply for a job at Google. Get hired. And, tender my resignation with pomp and circumstance and let those jokers know that I am going to greener pastures and that I had a new AWESOME job.

But, that didn’t happen.

So, after a two-week road trip to self-reflection I’ve come to the conclusion that what I really wanted was approval from my job. Despite having the approval of my God, my husband, and my family…I still wanted outside validation. And, that is a dangerous place to be.

The approval and unconditional love of my top three (God, husband, and family) should be enough. And, it is. I just have to remind myself of that often.

In response to my most recent learning adventure, I’ve decided to further develop relationships with my husband and family that create an environment of approval and validation. I never want them to feel like they are without love or approval. So, I did some research on the topic. Would you like to know what I learned and give it a shot? Okay, let’s try these 3 tips…..

3 Tips for Demonstrating Approval

TAKE INTEREST IN THEIR INTEREST.
If your sister is interested in fashion, ask for her opinion on the latest trends. Doing so demonstrates that her opinion is valuable and that you are listening.

HONOR THEM.
If your mother picked up your kids from school, honor her by explaining specifically what the help meant to you specifically, buy her a nice perfume, OR write a nice thank you letter and mail it.

DROP THE CRITICISM.
Resist the temptation to correct your loved ones at every turn. You have made mistakes, and they will too! Unless it is detrimental to their health and well-being be supportive and only offer advice when asked.

What need for approval have you overcome today?

Category: Relationships (Page 9 of 12)

What Can Steve Urkel Teach Us About Relationships?