I was having dinner with a few friends last year and one of my friends asked me “when is it a good time to have emotional intimacy?” I wasn’t fully prepared to answer that question and I think I mumbled something about trust developing over time.
But, as I went home I began to think about the question more. I think the question my friend was asking was the same question that Whitney Houston asked in her song “How Will I Know?” Both my friend and Whitney Houston wanted to know — how do you know if your fella really loves you? And I think it is a question that every girl asks at one time or another.
Hollywood: A Set-Up for Disappointment
The thing is Hollywood can set us up for disappointment. They’ll have us thinking that– the birds are going to sing, that time will slow down, and that trumpets will sound when the man of our dreams whispers those three simple words into our ears: I love you.
But the truth, is your fella maybe showing you he loves you waaaaay before he says it.
Showing Love versus Telling
In his book, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, Dr. John Gray explains that men demonstrate “emotions/feelings” different than women do. Women tend to use words. Men tend to use actions.
And that makes sense to me. Because long before Morris told me he loved me, he showed me by his care and consideration. We had only been dating for 3 months and I had a half-marathon to run in Lancaster County, PA.
Me & Morris
So Morris picked me up at 4:30 a.m. in the morning, drove 120 miles, waited for me to finish, took pictures, and then drove me back to D.C. and went home. No birds sang. Trumpets didn’t sound. And time didn’t slow down. But it was on that day, I realized that I could trust him to keep his word.
I had more questions though, like:
• Will he be a good father?
• Will he be a good husband?
• Does he love Jesus?
I did my best to figure out what Morris was about by dropping trick questions and hypothetical scenarios. But all my scheming back-fired several times (more on that later:). The real answers that I was looking for came from listening and watching.
Listening & Watching
He took time to call both parents on the weekends. He was thoughtful and considerate toward others and me. And he went to church every Sunday and paid tithes and offerings (I wasn’t even tithing at the time!).
So my recommendation is this: if you want to know more about a guy
• listen to what he says
• and watch what he does
Looking at a guy’s action can give you genuine insight into his character. Also by listening and watching, you can avoid giving a man the laundry list of traits you are looking for. Because if are dating a knothead, telling him everything you want in a man …just gives him the chance to put on a convincing act.
Oprah and Maya Say….
Maya Angelou once told Oprah “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Here’s their 4 minute video.
So if a guy you are considering pursuing a relationship with is showing you a side of him that is less than honorable. Believe him! And keep it moving.
What are other ways we can discern whether or not the guy we are dating is The One?
Be back in two weeks! Love, Simone
Image: Madamenoire.com
Wow! This is so ON POINT! When we have our hearts set on being with someone, we have a tendency to give them the tips they need to dupe us again. It is far better to trust what they are showing us, and move on! (Been there… bought the T-shirt!)
Hey Linda! I know right?! It is so sad, but SO true…there are men out there that just want to dupe us. I LOVE how you phrased that “we have a tendency to give them tips.” Oh you have that t-shirt too?! At least I am not alone:-).
Good stuff tx for sharing!!
Hi Nicole! Thanks a bunch for stopping by.
Just to add to the very important advice of listening to what your fella says and watching what he does….I strongly recommend that women pay very close attention to how he treats you – as a woman. Trust yourself. Don’t make up reasons why he doesn’t take you out. Don’t make up reasons why he hasn’t invited you to join him and his friends, or attend events with them. Don’t make up reasons why he cannot coordinate a simple date. A man who is interested in YOU will be able to do all these things and more, and will not make up reasons why he isn’t equipped to make plans.
The right fella should support and encourage you in your dreams and aspirations. Yes, he listens – and should do so intently. The right fella offers his assistance and advice because he cares about you and your goals – not because he doubts you. The right fella should lift you up when you aren’t feeling confident about something. Yes, you can do all these things yourself, but trust me when I say that if this fella is someone you are serious about, it is imperative that he be supportive of your dreams and aspirations. There will definitely come a time when you need his encouragement.
Say it, Shelli! Say it. I agree 100 percent.
As my other friend Faith says “you should have just dropped the mic and walked away with that comment.” Regarding not making excuses for him, I have been in that place! Seeing him for what he COULD be and just hoping to make him better. It is so true, we have to accept how a fella treats us and not make excuses for him. You gave awesome examples that so many of us have fallen prey to.
The flip side is true too. “The right fella will lift you up when you are not feeling confident.” I think that’s an important too, because we live in an age where society will have us think it’s weak to lean on a fella. But there comes a time when we all NEED support and encouragement, we are relation being by nature. Thank you for adding SO much to the conversation.
From my experiences in life, I’ve learned this: when a man is truly interested in you, you will never have to wonder or ask because he will make it plain: whether he tells you, shows you, or sends a pigeon, you will never have to ask.
Hi Quanie! That is SUCH a good addition, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in this situation. Wondering. Waiting. Trying to figure out…if I’m doing something wrong…if I’m good enough? And all that nonsense.
I agree! When he’s truly interested, he will make it plain. Even if that means, sending a pigeon:-).
I totally agree that Hollywood and those fairy tales we’re read as little girls can be a set up for major disappointment! It’s so easy to get caught up looking at superficial qualities or shows of affection rather than truly paying attention to a person’s character. Great post Simone!
You hit the nail on the head, Simone! Paying attention to a person’s character is key.That’s why I loved Jason in your book, When the Real Thing Comes Along. He wanted what was right for Cynthia…no matter what. And he had so much character and integrity.
Thanks SO much for stopping by.
First of all thanks for the follow and after 30 plus years of marriage, actions do speak louder than words. 🙂
Wow…30 years?! That is so awesome. Glad to hear you know this too be true also. Thank you for stopping by, Shelley!