Tag: Story (Page 2 of 4)

The Dating Intervention (Update)

July 10, 2014 / Simone / 2 Comments

Image | recovery.org

A few years ago my dear friend and colleague, Marie, came to my office. I could tell by the way her eye brows were furrowed that she meant business. She edits my work too. So, my first thought was “Lord, what have I done now?”

She sat down and began with the usual pleasantries. “How are you? What are your plans for the weekend, etc. etc.” I explained (nonchalantly) that I was going to run, hang out with some friends, see a musical…the usual.

And then the boot dropped. Marie was here to stage an intervention for my dating life.

“Simone, do you even want to meet a guy? I mean, have you even asked God where you can meet guys? I mean to date…not to evangelize. Seriously, he’s not going to show up on your door step wearing a t-shirt that says ‘I’m the one.’ Simone, I don’t think you are taking this stuff seriously because if you were…you would be trying to make yourself available. Its going to take two years you know. One to date and a year to be engaged. Have you thought about that? I doubt it. Because clearly, you’d be frustrated if you had!”

People, I cannot make this stuff up.

So, after an hour of “counseling.” We agreed that I would make better decisions on how I spent my time. The goal was to make myself more available to meeting guys.

As a good faith effort, I decided to go to a fireworks display that Saturday night, rather than a musical. Let’s face it there wouldn’t be any eligible bachelor’s at Mama Mia .

However, I didn’t tell Marie that I spent Friday night…in my apartment…reading a book until 4:30 a.m. That would have landed me another tongue lashing.

Thank God for Marie, though. Being available is a big part of the dating game. And, she knew what she was talking about too, because less than two years later…I was hitched.

How to Recover from the Mr. Wrongs and Get Ready for Mr. Right

June 19, 2014 / Simone / 0 Comments

Spiritually speaking, my college years were dark. And, when I look back on those years I shudder. Because, I entangled myself in bad relationships and situations that could’ve ended in a number of dire situations.

Thankfully, the Lord used those years to teach me priceless lessons. And, God has used my story to free other women. Looking back, I can see that it was all about rebellion.

Mr. Wrongs

Rebellion from the lessons of faith I had been taught growing up. I thought I was running into freedom, but I was actually running into destruction. And, it took a long time to untangle my soul from the men I had attached myself to. My road to redemption started with me telling my dad that I didn’t want to live that kind of life anymore. But, it was still a long road from there.

The Switch

While living in El Paso, TX with my grandfather, I began dating my first Christian guy. I had it all planned out– we were going to get married. He went to church and loved Jesus. That was enough for me. Let’s seal the deal.

I didn’t know it at the time, but he had asked my dad if we could get married. And, we had only dated a few months. My dad’s response was “let’s see what happens.” Not, exactly a vote of confidence. There were a few red flags, but nothing I couldn’t “sort out” once we were hitched.The relationship seemed to be going well until September of 2007.

And, then the boot dropped. He gave me an ultimatum. Was I going to stay in El Paso after school or move away?

And, I…I didn’t have an answer. I wanted to be open to God’s will. I didn’t want to commit myself to El Paso! My life was just starting. And, I said just that.

And, he broke up with me.
I was crushed. I cried and listened to Jennifer Hudson’s “And, I’m telling you I’m Not Going” for about 3 weeks. And, I watched Mahogany with Dianna Ross for the first time.

The Good News

The good news is that I survived. And, God continues to use my sordid past and my terrible break up for His glory.
Romans 8:28 says that: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. God didn’t intend for me to experience those things. It was my disobedience that led me down that path. But, He can use it all the same.

My Dating Hiatus

I swore off men for three years after my break-up. And, the next man that I dated was Morris, my awesome husband.

Milton Yang | Photography

During that dating hiatus my relationship with the Lord grew strong. I prayed more. I studied the Bible more, and I began paying off debt and running half marathons. God used my dating hiatus to strengthen me personally. And, heal my heart from relationship wounds.

I read a book this month entitled, The Waiting Room by T.C. Spellen. It is a 31-Day Devotional for single women waiting for the right husband. I loved this book, because it is a spiritual roadmap to preparing for marriage. T.C. includes discussions on:

Taming the Tongue
Creating Boundaries
Praying

These are things that I learned during my dating hiatus. But, I think T.C.’s book could’ve helped me recover from the Mr. Wrongs and prepare for Mr. Right a lot faster.Question: How have you recovered from the Mr. Wrongs? And, what’s your strategy to prepare for Mr. Right?

PS: I’m hosting my first relationship workshop next month. I’d love for you to come. You can buy a ticket here.

Video: How to Become a Better Parent in Less than 3 Minutes

April 10, 2014 / Simone / 0 Comments

This week I am reading, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey. The book has great advice on how to be intentional within the family unit, and I’ll post a review in a few days.

In the meantime, I want to share my first video with you. I gave this talk a few months ago and I thought it might be helpful.

Tip 1: Do-Keep The Love Tank Full

Tip 2: Do-Practice What You Preach

Tip 3: Don’t- Hide Your Mistakes from Your Children

Question: What else should I add to this list of parenting tips?

The War on Families

April 3, 2014 / Simone / 0 Comments

Image| theragblog.blogspot.com

Two years ago, I was a juror for a criminal case.

At the time of her arrest, the defendant had a gun, drugs, and her 18 month-old son in the car at the time.

And I began to get a picture of the her life from the character witnesses. Her family was unsupportive. Her boyfriend was unkind, and she was uneducated.

It made me sad, because as a juror I am sworn to look at the facts of the case in isolation. But as a christian, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for this young girl that had been failed by so many.

They Were Both Doomed

And, I started thinking about what kind of life her son would have. The odds are that:

He will live in poverty
He will not complete high school
He will have anger problems
He will face a similar jury for committing similar crimes.

And, I got angry because I realized this baby boy and his mother we both doomed.

So, in my zeal to do something I decided I would change careers and become a parole officer. But, after weeks of phone calls, introductory e-mails, and research I never even got an informational interview.

So, I decided I would wage war with my keyboard.

The War On Families

Whether or not you realize it, there is a war on families. And, it is fought in many seemingly unrelated battles:

fewer Christian women getting married
the number of marriages that end in divorce
the proliferation of same-sex marriage laws
the wrong images of marriage that abound (read: Jay-Z and Beyonce et.al. )
continuous family feuds and unresolved conflicts

John 10:10 says that the Thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy. But, Jesus came that we might have life and it more abundantly. Abundant life includes our relationships, marriages and families.

And, I am on a mission to see that restored.

Why I Write this Blog
I write this blog because the world needs strong families. Strong families start with strong marriages. And, strong marriages start with strong relationships.

John C. Maxwell in his book, Make Today Count, says that the relational foundation of any family is a couple’s marriage. It sets the tone for the household, and it is the model relationship that children learn from more than any other.

I also write this blog for my single friends that I love and adore. They want to be married. I want to share the lessons I am learning. I also want them to skip my mistakes.

Question: What battles do you see being fought against strong families?

Dating Outside the Box

March 9, 2014 / Simone / 0 Comments

Image | cltc.com

When Morris and I first began dating, our relationship almost came to a screeching halt. Because, I had a checklist and he was “missing” an item.

My list included that he must 1) love Jesus 2) be tall and 3) volunteer.

It was important that my potential husband volunteer. Because, I had to be certain that he cared for others.

So, I tested Morris one day.

We were at Screen on the Green with some friends on the National Mall, and I asked him if he would like to go volunteer with me at a homeless shelter.

He said “No, homeless shelters aren’t really my thing”

“WHAT?!” I says to myself. “Not, your thing?! Clearly, I can’t marry someone that doesn’t want to volunteer at a homeless shelter. He obviously has no heart and would not be a suitable match.” In my mind, my checklist kept me from wasting time on unsuitable matches.

I Was Wrong.
Fast forward 4 years…Morris, now my husband, volunteers with the homeless ministry at our church. And, spends at least some time every weekend volunteering. He later told me that he finds homeless shelters depressing, but otherwise he is very much for volunteering. Clearly, my initial snap judgement was wrong. What if I had ruled him out because of that one response? I would likely be lonely.

Dating Outside the Box

The box is the list or mental checklist that we keep in our heads. It says what our perfect potential mate should look like. Maybe your dream man is tall, looks like +Idris Elba , and has the personality and bank account of +Steve Harvey . In reality, the checklist is a suit of armor.

Why We Create the Box
Laura Doyle in her book , The Surrendered Single, says that the checklist is about fear. She says that by holding on to qualities we want in a man, we are setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations. As long as the checklist is never met, we don’t have to risk our hearts and we don’t have to be vulnerable.

I also think we set up checklists to impress people in our social circles. In our minds, we’ve set up what our families, friends, and colleagues will find acceptable and we arbitrarily rule out men that fall outside those parameters.

The Problems with the Box:

You rule out a lot of good men.
The man that is right for you, might be different than you imagined.
It leaves little room for input from the Lord.

Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have standards. You should. But, your standards should be reflective of his character, not his resume.

God Knows What We Need, We Don’t.

I am an extrovert, impatient, get fussy when things don’t go my way, and am woefully lacking in the mercy department. So, God gave me a husband that is long suffering, patient, and gives EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt. If you are anything like me, you probably have not identified all of your character defects. But, God knows what you need in a man…even if you don’t.

You Might Miss Out on a Good Thing.
In short, good men come in all shapes and sizes and God knows what you need. Don’t limit yourself to dating inside the box, because you could miss out on a good thing just like I almost did.

Question: Do you have a dating checklist or box? If so, what will you do to let it go?

Happy Wife, Happy Life

February 2, 2014 / Simone / 0 Comments

Image | Hanna-Barbara

A few months ago, I was going through a rough patch at work. I was quite miserable, because things just weren’t going my way. And almost every day I would come home, sit in the closet, and cry. (We live in a studio apartment. So, there is little space for privacy).

Morris was supportive and comforting at first, but after about three months. He turns to me and says “Simone, I just want you to be happy.”

And, I says to myself “I am happy”.

Well…I’m happy with everything else in my life, except work. The problem is work and constantly thinking about it had consumed all of my mind space & soured my attitude. I was no longer the happy wife that Morris married.

His words stuck with me, and I made a decision to be happy again.

Make a Decision to Be Happy

I learned about making a decision to be happy during pre-marital counseling. Our counselor explained that for the first few years of his marriage he spent a long time trying to make his wife happy. Eventually, he moved out and they almost got a divorce! But, he realized that it was her decision to be happy, and it didn’t have anything to do with him. They reconciled, and have now been happily married for 14 years.

Views from Men on Relationship Happiness

When I am interviewing christian, black, men about their views on relationships. I also ask them about the importance of a woman’s happiness. All have said it was important, but for varying reasons. Here’s a few comments from the fellows on happiness in a relationship:

Women are good communicators. So, if they are not happy they will communicate it well.
Hurt people, hurt people. And, if a woman is perpetually unhappy she will hurt me and my family. It is a never ending cycle.
I want to be around someone that is happy, but I can’t be responsible for their happiness.
A woman’s happiness is important, but she can’t make it difficult for me to make her happy. If a man can’t make you happy, it is discouraging to him, and damaging to the relationship.

Have Your Own Life

Laura Doyle in her book “The Surrendered Single” talks about making yourself happy every day. She says that the more you enjoy your life, the more attractive you will be. I agree, because no one wants to be with a Debbie Downer.

She also recommends that women maintain their own lives when in relationships, because no one person can meet all of our emotional needs. Laura adds that casting aside friends and hobbies that you once enjoyed in favor of total immersion with a man could make you cranky, co-dependent and miserable. We must keep ourselves happy and balanced. This factor is paramount to a successful relationship, because no great love was ever founded upon a woman giving up everything she loves and enjoys.

For more tips on being happy visit +Rosetta Thurman over at Happy Black Woman…she is a wealth of wisdom on gaining and maintaining happiness.

How Ghanaians Changed My Views on Africa, Families, and Marriage

December 14, 2013 / Simone / 0 Comments

“Are you Nigerian?” That’s what my friend, KB, said to me when we first met a few years ago. KB is Ghanaian-American and the child of immigrants. She thought I was Nigerian, because of my large family.

I don’t remember what I said to her, but I remember thinking.
“No! I’m from Nashville, but my family is from Texas.”

Before that day, I had never considered where my ancestors hailed from. But, I knew that I did not want them to be from Africa. Growing up, I can remember thinking how awful it would be to be from Africa. I blame Feed the Children for this notion.

Don’t get me wrong, Feed the Children does amazing work. But, their marketing campaigns impacted me in a negative way. To this day, I can picture images of malnutritioned African children and their almost naked bodies. Seeing those children shaped my negative notion of Africa, and I can remember thinking thank goodness…I’m from Nashville!

Image from solarpumpsafrica.com

But, then a few years ago I celebrated New Year’s Eve with KB at her church. I walked into the sanctuary. And, I remember being surrounded by the flags from all the African countries displayed around the sanctuary. The congregants are primarily West African families, and attending that service was a life-changing experience.

In one night, my views on Africa and my thoughts on black families changed literally overnight.

Africa is not a Country

Prior to that night, I thought of Africa as one distinct homogeneous place, and not a continent of 55 countries*, thousands of languages, and a number of cultural nuances. Take Togo, for instance. Another friend was on her way to Mozambique, and lost her luggage in Togo. Locals kept telling her not to worry, because the Togolese are known for their honesty and her bag would be returned. Sure enough, a few days later her luggage was returned.

Black Marriages Still Work

Martin and Coretta
Image from blackmarriedtricities.org

Prior to that night, I also wasn’t sure if black marriages worked anymore. The only black married couples that I knew where my parents, and my best friend’s parents. But, both those couples were close to their sixties, and I was in complete despair.

But, that night after the service my friend invited me to have New Year’s breakfast with her and some friends. And, I found myself surrounded by 4 or 5 young married couples that looked like me. All the couples were in their twenties and shared this bond that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

They were talking about courting traditions, and marrying traditions, and traditions for new babies in the community. And, they all had this common thread. There was no drama, and everyone was just sitting there talking and laughing.

And, I soaked up every minute. Because I had NEVER been in this environment before.
I was surrounded by young and married black families, and I loved every minute of it.

Ghanaian Family Traditions

It took me a while to digest everything, but I’ve been talking to my friend about Ghanaian culture and tradition on and off ever since. And, the more I learn…the more I love Ghanaians. Did you know there are very few single-parent homes in the Ghanaian community?

Yes, it’s true. It almost never happens, because if something happens to the husband. Then the brother or the closest male relative cares for that family as if it were his own.

And, very few children are born out of wedlock. Because, when a man expresses interest in a woman. He expresses interest in joining that family. The process is called the knocking, and it is a ceremonious occasion that involves an entire family. There is no going off alone to neck and play footsie, because the young man expresses his interest in the family first and lets the family know that he is a man of integrity. Then, he is given permission to pursue a relationship with the daughter.

Simone, Me, and KB

Here in D.C., I have the gift of coming in contact with many more people and families that recently immigrated to the United States and people that have studied and visited Africa. My friend, Simone, lives in Benin and trains teachers. You can read more about her work here.

I plan to visit Simone and Benin next year, and I can’t wait to see the beauty that is not often publicized in Africa. I’ll share pics when I return.

Breathtaking Kenya and Zambia

Another one of my friends visited Kenya and Zambia. She came back with great stories of going on safari, a gourmet breakfast in the wild, and seeing Blair Underwood and his family. Aren’t her photographs are breathtaking?

Victoria Falls in Zambia

Where Do I Come From?

I’m proud to be an American, but I long to know so much more about my African heritage and where I come from. One of the things that I love about Morris is that his mother’s side of the family can trace back 7 generations to the village that they lived in Nicaragua. What a gift to know where you come from?

I think that’s one of the many missing links for our families today. There is no pride or heritage or traditions in sharing where we come from. Where do we come from?!?

One of my goals in 2014 will include tracing my blood line to a specific country and visiting Africa. I’m not sure if I am Kenyan, Ghanaian or Nigerian, but if I am…I am proud of it.
____________________________________________________________________

*According to Africacheck.org, the number ranges from 54-56 countries depending on whether or not you include Morocco and Somaliland.