Creating Experiences That Help Relationships Thrive

Tag: When Things Go Wrong (Page 2 of 3)

The Know It All

I became one them y’all. Yes, the dreaded know it all. I was sitting at my desk last week, and decided to review my first blog, Countdown 2 My Brother’s Wedding. It was fun to go back and read what my single self thought about being single. And, then I noticed that I was content being single, and most of the commentators were content being single.

The problem was the know it alls that inserted themselves in my life and were always pushing me to get married, start a family, find somebody, etc. etc.

Well, I became that Know It All.

I was having dinner with a lovely friend, and I casually mentioned “So, are you dating anyone?”

“No,” she said.

“Well, don’t you worry. God, has someone really awesome for you! I just know it,” I said.

“Perhaps, God doesn’t. Some people are called to singleness, like the apostle Paul,” She said.

And, I thought hmmmm… maybe.  But you, you are pretty and smart, and kind…surely there is someone out there for you. And, then I began to run down the list of all the eligible bachelors that we know and ask whether or not each and everyone was a suitable match.

How dreadful of me?!?! I had done exactly what I previously complained about, and inserted myself into her life.

Sadly, my lovely friend is not alone. My long-suffering siblings have to put up with my know-it-all self sometimes too. I shared a couple of months ago about my younger brother that failed to follow the plans I had for his life. He is doing amazingly well, and has written a guest post for next week.

It just goes to show you, I do not Know It All.

 

How to Ask Your Hubby for Help

Photo from Hello Beautiful

I’ve hit the jackpot twice. First, when I was born into my family. And second, when Morris, my husband, asked me to marry him. Being raised in a loving, family of eight children has taught me about people, how families operate, and how to overcome the challenges that life brings every day. I’ve also learned from being married for 15 months.

 

And, my friends often ask me, “What should I look for in a husband?” “How is married life?” and “What advice do you have?”

 

And, I said to myself “Self, what if you could help your friends and others avoid your mistakes?” I did not answer myself, because that would just be crazy. But I hope you, as the reader, will learn from my mistakes and not repeat them.

 

I recently learned how to ask my husband for help.

I found that it is different from asking my brothers for assistance. Asking my brothers for help was more like telling them to do something. And, Morris was having none of that.

A few months ago, I mentioned to Morris that we had a friend’s barbecue to attend. Admittedly, I did not give him much advance notice, the affair was an hour and ten minutes away, and he had never met these friends.  But, he was getting barbecue out of the deal!
 

And, I could not figure out why I was getting the “almost silent treatment.”  The “almost silent treatment” consists of one-word responses, shrugs, and grunts. Finally, I figured it out. I had taken away his time, and Morris was grumpy.We talked about it, and I learned from that experience.

And, this spring…I got the asking right.
While sitting at our monthly budget meeting, I broached the subject of spring cleaning. I was a bit timid at first. “Hey, honey, you know there is a lot of work to be done around here…have you seen how dirty those base boards are? We are going to have to do some serious spring cleaning.”

After a bit of back and forth, Morris agreed to block off a Saturday for the benefit of cleanliness and order in our home. Success!

 

Because I’m Baptist, I’ll give you three tips on how to ask
your hubby for help:


  1. CONSIDER HIS PLANS

Show him that you are not selfish. Ask if he has plans.

 

  1. ASK EARLY, AND REMIND HIM

The bigger the task, the more time he needs to mentally prepare. I asked three married/engaged guys about this subject, and all of them said the same thing. “Ask early, and remind me.”

 

  1. DO NOT CONVEY A SENSE OF URGENCY IF IT IS NOT URGENT 

As women, we often like to do things now, simply because we’re thinking about it. But, things don’t always have to be done right now. Let’s not confuse the important with the urgent. So, when there is an urgent need…our men will run to the rescue.

A Family Reunion

A few week’s ago we had a family reunion for my dad’s side of the family. It turned out great, but it was a rough road to get there. You see, my dad and his siblings don’t have parents anymore. My grandfather died in July of last year. And, he hadn’t been in the ground 6 hours before the fighting began among the siblings.

So, we, the grandchildren, staged a coup de ta.

We sat down and had a VERY long talk about how their sibling squabbling was affecting us as grandchildren/children. It wasn’t pretty. And, we realized that even we (the grandchildren) had some stuff to work out amongst ourselves.

But, the end result was good. Our parents agreed to let us take over the family reunion this year. They agreed not to talk negatively about each other… to each other. And, they agreed that we have to stay close even though their parents, our grandparents, are gone.

Our family is mending, and we had a great family reunion. Lots of good food, games, rest, a trip to see the Motown Revue, and a black bear stopped by for a visit. Thankfully, he didn’t stay too long.

Izo the Kitchen Ninja
Mushrooms and Asparagus

Kayla Cutting the Melons

My Brother, My New Sister, and My Cute Nephew
Scrabble

The Guys Watching the NBA Finals

Connect4 My Dad v. My Aunt

Our Family Photographer
A Night at the Motown Revue

My Pretty Cousin being Serenaded
My Aunt Being Serenaded






My brothers and cousins in the background dancing

A Bear Stopped for a Visit

He Tried to Get Some Food

And then he left

All of Us




The Text Message

The text message read: “Family, Conference call tonight at 8:30 p.m. Please call in.”

 My heart sank, and I felt uneasy. I knew it was going to be bad news.

This brother had NEVER set up a conference call before…so it could only be bad news. At the end of the conference call the news had been revealed: He was going to be a dad in March.

He is my third brother and the most gentle and kind of them all. In a house of ten, he usually waits to eat last.  He laughs a lot and loves to dance. And my friends describe him as approachable, even though he is 6 feet 8 inches tall. He is two months away from college graduation, and had plans to play basketball overseas. He has no career. No money and no way of supporting a child.

I have grappled with this bad news for weeks. At first, I was livid. How could he be so foolish? How could he shame our family like this? Second, I was sad. Because this is not how I envisioned my brother’s life going. I had hoped he would graduate, go overseas, play basketball, make a lot of money, come back to the United States, get married, start a family, and be the bestest and coolest middle school history teacher ever.

I know that sounds crazy…you can’t plan someone else’s life.

But, I realized something today. I have plans for all of my siblings lives. Not detailed plans, but hopes for them. I want them to excel and do well in life. I want one of my sisters  to be the best women’s basketball player ever and I want my other sister to achieve her dream of being an architect. I want my first brother to have a job that he loves and make a lot of money, I want my second brother to be an award-winning broadcast journalist, I want my fourth brother to finish school, focus, and find out his purpose in life, and I want my fifth brother to graduate from high school and play division I basketball and not talk to girls so much for the fear that he’ll end up like my third brother.

My third brother has started a family, and his son will be he in a few weeks. And, I am proud of the strength and courage he has exhibited. He wants the baby to live with him, and he is seeking custody. He is more focused and determined than I have ever seen him. He is working on the weekends, he is on the track team, studying in the early mornings and late at night, and attending classes during the day.

The arrival of my new nephew is quickly approaching. Even though, he wasn’t in my plan for my brother’s life…I take comfort in knowing that God’s plan for my brother’s life is much better than mine.   My hope now is to be a loving aunt and supportive sister.

Me & My Dad

My Dad and I are more alike than I care to admit.  And, as I get older I realize our similarities are something for which I should be grateful. I’m getting there.

For the past ten years, our relationship has been a bit strained because my dad is adjusting to having adult children. But, last week I saw my dad in a new light.

I went to home for the 20th anniversary of the Family Foundation Fund. The Family Foundation Fund is a non-profit my dad started to mentor boys from fatherless homes. 63 boys have been mentored. But, the Foundation is much more than a mentoring program. There is an organic farm to provide produce for the families the program serves, tuition is paid for the boys to go to private Christian schools, tutoring is provided, counseling and support is given to the mothers, and the boys are matched with a Christian man that sticks with them until they graduate from high school. In short, the Foundation is a Family for young men.

Last week, I realized my dad has dedicated his life to serving others. It takes determination to stick with a program like this for 20 years. There have been times when the families have faced tragedy. And times, when there was no money for tuition. And times, when the boys have been kicked out of school for misbehaving.  But, my dad is determined.

We have had boys come to live with us when their home-life became turbulent.  My dad has picked up prescriptions late at night. And, he has visited hospitals because no one else cared…because he is caring and compassionate.

Whether you are a multi-millionaire calling for advice or a man dying of HIV. My dad will be there and he will listen and he will pray for you, because he is genuinely concerned with the lives of others. I hope when I reach my dad’s age, I can look back over my life and know that I made a difference.

Why is Work So Boring?

I have asked myself this question over and over again for the past year. And, the past few months  have been especially challenging. Almost every day is a battle to get up, be there, and be cheerful. Almost every conversation with a friend, family member, or Phillip ends in me disparaging my work. ( Forgive me for that…I am going stop it.) And, at least once a week I end up crying in my office with a sinking feeling that I am trapped and will never get out of this crummy job.

In all fairness, my job is not all that crummy. I have a wonderful boss and I love most of the folks that I work with on a daily basis. I make more money than I ever thought possible at this age. I am off every other Friday, and I have a beautiful walk to work. So, why am I bored and miserable?

The past year has lead me to one answer. My job is not a good fit for me. I love people. I love talking to people, learning about people, and helping people. And, I need a job that allows me to do that. So, I began the quest for my dream job in June.

My dream job has not materialized. But, I have met some great people in the process and my friends and family have been both patient and supportive. I made the decision today that I am going to be grateful for that. The new job will come when the time is right. Just like everything else.

*I gained back the two pounds that I lost last week. Booooo me.*

Jury Duty and the Home Wrecker

My maternal grandfather (not the grandfather I lived with for two years), cheated on my grandmother throughout their entire marriage. His indiscretions led to him fathering two children. I was two years old when my grandmother passed away, but his mistake colored my perspective of cheating spouses forever.

I loathe cheaters. As a Christian, I ought not loathe anyone. However, whenever a cheating scandal is alive and well in the media. I can’t help but think that the cheater is being maligned accordingly. In my view, Kobe Bryant deserved to be prosecuted, President Clinton deserved impeachment, and Tiger Woods had it comin’. I could continue.

My disgust for cheaters reared its ugly head while I served on Jury Duty too.

A gentleman on my panel, flirted openly with a lady juror. He was wearing a wedding band, and she was not. She whispered in his ear, he would laugh, and I would shoot them dirty looks. I even discussed my problem with Morris and explained that the gentleman and the “raggedy home-wrecker” came to jury duty together and spent all of our down time fawning over each other. Morris forbade me to confront the couple, but said that I could continue to give them the stink eye.

I was partially obedient. I gave them dirty looks, and sat uncomfortably close to the couple. My plan worked. The lady sat farther away, and at least they could not hold hands. I felt triumphant, because on my final day of jury duty there was no public display of affection between the two.

At the end of the trial, we had to pick a foreman. The gentleman declined to be foreman, because his wife was serving on the jury.

WHAT?!?! 

Yes, the gentleman and the lady I described as the “raggedy home-wrecker” are married.

Lesson Learned: Don’t jump to conclusions, Simone.

Question: Has jumping to conclusions ever made you look ridiculous? Looking for a friend. 

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