Creating Experiences That Help Relationships Thrive
For me, it seems like every day is a fight in overcoming fear. No, I don’t kick and scream. No, I don’t cower in the corner. But I do have a voice that pops up and asks accusatory questions, like:
Waaaay better people have come before you and failed. Continue reading
Image: Piranha Boxing Gear
Earlier this year, I did something super scary. I told a room of 50 strangers about my dream of starting a business. Up until this moment, the dream had been somewhat of a secret.
I had a business plan, I pitched the idea to my husband, and I told a few close friends. But, the thought of telling strangers was terrifying.What if they didn’t like my business idea? What if they laughed? What if they didn’t share my opinion or views? Aghhh! There were just so many things that could go wrong. And, guess what?
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| Isaac & Simone |
My brother, Isaac, is getting married in 28 days. I am more than excited for him. But, I am less than enthusiastic for myself. You see, Isaac is 25. I am 28. He is getting married before me, and that presents a conundrum. Why you say? Because, I will have to face all of our family, all of our friends, and all their questions.You know the questions I’m referring to. The one’s that come with raised eyebrows and feigned courtesy. You look great, Simone, how are you doing? Translation: You aren’t ugly, Simone, why aren’t you married? Ahhhh!
What’s a single girl to do? How do I explain that I am content? I LOVE my, family, job, apartment, friends, church, and all around life. How do I explain that when I wake up in the morning I thank God for another day that I get to live in this FANTASTIC city? Why does it have to boil down to this one future guy that I hope to meet in the near or distant future?
Yes. One day I do want to be married. Yes. I do want to have 4-6 kids. No. I am not delusional. I know that if I want to have that many kids I’ll have to start sooner rather than later. And No. I’m not one of those Sex in the City gals that thinks having a great career, wearing high heels to walk 20 blocks, and sleeping around is the life. I’m just not in a hurry. Can that be okay?
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| Image | www.adriansnood.com |
Do you know that we only have 7 seconds to make a first impression?
It’s true, according to Forbes.
Part of making a good first impression is believing in yourself, the person you are, and your potential. Perhaps it sounds silly, but each of us has God-given gifts and talents the world needs. And, not making a good first impression could be a barrier to us sharing our gifts with the world.
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A few weeks ago, I did something super scary. I told a room of 50 strangers about my dream of starting a business. Up until this moment, the dream had been somewhat of a secret. I had a business plan, I pitched the idea to my husband, and I told a few close friends. But, the thought of telling strangers was terrifying.
What if they didn’t like my business idea? What if they laughed? What if they didn’t share my opinion or views? Aghhhh! There were just so many things that could wrong.
And, guess what? I pitched my idea at a business pitch competition AND everything that could go wrong did go wrong.
It was a horrible experience. I cried whenever a nice person tried to tell me that “you did okay.” I cried when anyone tried to console me. I cried on the Metro ride home, and I cried when I told Morris about the whole debacle that night.
And, then I went to bed. But, I didn’t sleep. Because, I kept replaying the day’s events in my head.
Fear Holds Us Back
Fear holds us back from soooo many things: mending relationships, taking new jobs, moving, etc. Fear is powerful, because we focus on everything that could go wrong. We tend to forget about the things that could go right.
The good news is that: even when everything does go wrong…we survive.
The Good News
I think that’s why the Bible talks about fear so much, because the Lord understands that it only holds us back. And, even if bad things happen we survive. He’ll be with us.
Joshua 9:1 says: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
Isaiah 41:10 says: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I Bounced Back
The crazy thing about the pitch competition is that the first time was only practice. So, I had to go back the next day and do the pitch again in front of twice as many people.
But, the Lord’s mercies are new every morning. So, I got up super early and began practicing with my webcam. It went well that time, and…I was selected as a finalist!
I’ll know in June whether or not I’m selected to enter the Count Me In/Capitol One Business Accelerator program. But, even if I’m not selected I feel like I’ve already won…because I punched my fears and I survived. By the way, check out my Hire Me! Page…it’s another step in me fighting fear.
Tell me how is fear holding you back? And, what could you do to punch it?
I look forward to hearing from you. Love, Simone
*Image| Piranhagear.com
I love the song, Let it Go. I love the message. And, I love the reminder it gives me: there is power in letting go. This song is from the movie, Frozen. A movie about two sisters with a strained relationship. One sister hurts the other, and drama ensues.
We all have been wounded. We all have been hurt. And, generally those hurts are inflicted by those closest to us. But, continuing to hold onto hurt and offense is crippling.
The Burden of Offense
Pastor Wesley talked about learning to live above offense a few weeks ago at church. He said that:
The message stuck with me, because offense is the enemy of strong relationships, marriages, and families.
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| Image| glorialockhart.com |
Forgiveness is the key to letting go.
Make a Decision
We must make a decision to forgive. There is a common misperception that we must feel “ready” to forgive. It’s wrong. Forgiveness starts with a decision. We make the decision and act on it.
Do you remember the parable of the talents?
In Matthew, a servant owed his master approximately $4.5 billion dollars. However, the master was kind and generous and forgave the debt. He probably felt like he could use the money, but he made a decision to forgive. The servant, on the other hand, was owed approximately $4,000 and made a decision not to forgive the debt. The master was enraged and turned the unforgiving servant over to the torturers.
The same principle applies to us. If we don’t forgive others of their offenses, we won’t be forgiven of ours. Once you let go and forgive, you have the power to move forward in freedom. So, let’s let go.
Question: How will your relationships improve when you let go?
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| Image | cltc.com |
When Morris and I first began dating, our relationship almost came to a screeching halt. Because, I had a checklist and he was “missing” an item.
My list included that he must 1) love Jesus 2) be tall and 3) volunteer.
It was important that my potential husband volunteer. Because, I had to be certain that he cared for others.
So, I tested Morris one day.
We were at Screen on the Green with some friends on the National Mall, and I asked him if he would like to go volunteer with me at a homeless shelter.
He said “No, homeless shelters aren’t really my thing”
“WHAT?!” I says to myself. “Not, your thing?! Clearly, I can’t marry someone that doesn’t want to volunteer at a homeless shelter. He obviously has no heart and would not be a suitable match.” In my mind, my checklist kept me from wasting time on unsuitable matches.
I Was Wrong.
Fast forward 4 years…Morris, now my husband, volunteers with the homeless ministry at our church. And, spends at least some time every weekend volunteering. He later told me that he finds homeless shelters depressing, but otherwise he is very much for volunteering. Clearly, my initial snap judgement was wrong. What if I had ruled him out because of that one response? I would likely be lonely.
The box is the list or mental checklist that we keep in our heads. It says what our perfect potential mate should look like. Maybe your dream man is tall, looks like +Idris Elba , and has the personality and bank account of +Steve Harvey . In reality, the checklist is a suit of armor.
Why We Create the Box
Laura Doyle in her book , The Surrendered Single, says that the checklist is about fear. She says that by holding on to qualities we want in a man, we are setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations. As long as the checklist is never met, we don’t have to risk our hearts and we don’t have to be vulnerable.
I also think we set up checklists to impress people in our social circles. In our minds, we’ve set up what our families, friends, and colleagues will find acceptable and we arbitrarily rule out men that fall outside those parameters.
The Problems with the Box:
Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have standards. You should. But, your standards should be reflective of his character, not his resume.
God Knows What We Need, We Don’t.
I am an extrovert, impatient, get fussy when things don’t go my way, and am woefully lacking in the mercy department. So, God gave me a husband that is long suffering, patient, and gives EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt. If you are anything like me, you probably have not identified all of your character defects. But, God knows what you need in a man…even if you don’t.
You Might Miss Out on a Good Thing.
In short, good men come in all shapes and sizes and God knows what you need. Don’t limit yourself to dating inside the box, because you could miss out on a good thing just like I almost did.
Question: Do you have a dating checklist or box? If so, what will you do to let it go?
E-mail : simone@myfamilyfantastic.com
Twitter : @msimoneboyd
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